Existential Crises

How do you deal with them?

Maybe some of you haven't had one yet, beyond trying to please your parents or teachers, or calculating an educational path today, hoping the future will pan out tomorrow.

Or maybe this isn't the kind of topic you're comfortable talking about, even though young people seem to have a lot of internal stress about this very sort of thing. It's not like a big secret that the more choices in life, the more angst we might internalize.

Thinking of these things as a normal, recurring pattern over very long life spans might take the load off, but I dunno. Maybe the word "crisis" is a misnomer. Whatever.

My current crisis is trying to figure out if I want to check out of society, for the most part, and retire to a few acres in Maine by the water. A loon talking to the loons, a crazy cat lady, so to speak. With so much idle time on my hands that I might write, read, draw, stay awake into the wee hours, and sleep only when tired. At this rate, I won't sleep much at all.....but what I do with my waking hours will change.

Or should I immerse myself into retiring golden years by being more and more socially interactive, being a buzzing active person, with an interventionist attitude? Then being in the hub of vibrant city life would be better, in contact with all sorts of people of different ages and backgrounds. Older people can't do much good if they're off in la la land by the pond writing poems and collecting cats, after all.

It's really only a "crisis" due to the crappy housing market and uncertainty about having a place to call home. I have two sons that may or may not be able to go it on their own, the jury is out on that, so I feel compelled to keep the status quo. After the recession of the 80's plenty of us sought safe harbor with our folks for a couple of years. Even if we had a degree.

This is probably into rambling land now, but what do you think of as an Existential Crisis? Is it where you live or with whom you live? *or what you DO* Is it about balancing freeeedom with obligations? What ARE your obligations, to your self or others, and HappiNess, and how do you work through it when there are conflicts?

Why don't we talk about yours?

It seems hokey, but I think a big way to figure out things like this is to spend a week (or more if possible) in the shoes of the lifestyle you are considering. You may find one fits more naturally than you expect.

But as for the whole social thing...is it really a choice? I mean, usually people are either social or not. It's probably not wise to isolate yourself; it may be easier in some respects, but isn't life about experiences and people to a great extent? It's not like you're "done with all that" just because you're retired. My dad tried being "done with all that" and I think he was unhappy for many years until he switched course.

I have enough insight that I can see how I'm withdrawing (slowly, bit by bit) from emotional attachments here. It's like a preparation for moving and pulling up superficial ties. At heart I'm a sociable person, but I can tell the difference between being politely sociable as a convenience, and being truly connected to people. There are only really a couple of people I feel "connected" to here, even tho I've lived her for a very long time. It's a quirky place; when I first moved here from Indiana many people told me I'd have to be here twenty years before I'd be considered "a local". That stuck in my memory, but it really is true.

But I don't really want this thread to me about me or my mid-life crisis. Much more interesting if others chime in and talk about their dilemmas of choice.

But other people are interested in your choices.

My only dilemma is whether or not I can stay with a girl I really like if I've now concluded that she's not as attractive as past girlfriends. IE does personality really outweigh looks. And I'm not posting pics of her, so it's thus boring. Back to you! :noob:

Well I really posted mine in the 'What's messing...' thread. See here and following.

Quote:

---

Maybe you know that too, I have the feeling of being down, melancholic, with no reason to be sad. Quite the opposite, I am successful in what I do. But it seams my desire always catches up with my success. This goes especially with women. Once I thought when I have a nice girl that holds me in my arms when I get home I will be the happiest man. But I got that years ago. But this stupid evolution has programmed us man to try to spread our genes. To take the chances we get.

---

Well, I am somehow there again. This week I talked to a sexually very open minded girl. She was quite into me too, or maybe it was just my uniform. Anyway she definitely made me think about the whole thing again.

And how do I handle it? Well so far I keep my current lifestyle.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

But other people are interested in your choices.

My only dilemma is whether or not I can stay with a girl I really like if I've now concluded that she's not as attractive as past girlfriends. IE does personality really outweigh looks. And I'm not posting pics of her, so it's thus boring. Back to you! :noob:

---

Don't make the mistake of letting go of a girl you're attracted to(or even better, you have a solid connection with) simply because a previous girl may have scrubbed up better - that would be very shallow...

I 'cope' with my crisis in a way that's a bit odd maybe but which works most of the time for me; I simply split my life in two parts. One where I am hardworking, living a fairly organised life with family and a tiny circle friends. The other is a highly disorganised life that consists of partying, meeting with new people etc etc etc. I know it's a bit of a luxury to be able to do this and even I don't know how long I will be able to keep it up. But having two separate lives while still being more or less the same person really helped me to get back on my feet after an epic Burn Out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by termite

Don't make the mistake of letting go of a girl you're attracted to(or even better, you have a solid connection with) simply because a previous girl may have scrubbed up better - that would be very shallow...

---

Don't know if that's really true; the fact that you are more or less attracted to somebody is a bit more complicated than just a reaction to looks. The fact that Dread even mentions that she is less of a looker than previous girlfriends also means something in all its shallowness. To me it seems that he's reducing his not being into her all that much into 'she doesn't look as hot'. Or maybe it's just the last death throws of somebody in the process of committing. In which case nothing that we say is very relevant.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hazir

I 'cope' with my crisis in a way that's a bit odd maybe but which works most of the time for me; I simply split my life in two parts. One where I am hardworking, living a fairly organised life with family and a tiny circle friends. The other is a highly disorganised life that consists of partying, meeting with new people etc etc etc. I know it's a bit of a luxury to be able to do this and even I don't know how long I will be able to keep it up. But having two separate lives while still being more or less the same person really helped me to get back on my feet after an epic Burn Out.

---

I really really wonder if that would work out for me too. What I know is that I would be able to do it (that is, I have the means).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by earthJoker

I really really wonder if that would work out for me too. What I know is that I would be able to do it (that is, I have the means).

---

Hard to tell really since people's needs are different. What worked wonders for me is how life in Istanbul puts entirely different challenges in front of me and provides me with a set of people who have no big expectations of me. The what you see is what you get life-style typically works for me and recharges me.

The best aspect of life here for me is that people here don't really use organisers and barely can read the time :)

I lately went out alone more, especially down under. I never knew where I end up. I really enjoyed that kind of going with the flow.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by earthJoker

Well I really posted mine in the 'What's messing...' thread. See here and following.



Well, I am somehow there again. This week I talked to a sexually very open minded girl. She was quite into me too, or maybe it was just my uniform. Anyway she definitely made me think about the whole thing again.

And how do I handle it? Well so far I keep my current lifestyle.

---

Totally know where you're coming from. It's like hormonal. Though ultimately, is there anything wrong with your relationship now?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by termite

Don't make the mistake of letting go of a girl you're attracted to(or even better, you have a solid connection with) simply because a previous girl may have scrubbed up better - that would be very shallow...

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hazir

Don't know if that's really true; the fact that you are more or less attracted to somebody is a bit more complicated than just a reaction to looks. The fact that Dread even mentions that she is less of a looker than previous girlfriends also means something in all its shallowness. To me it seems that he's reducing his not being into her all that much into 'she doesn't look as hot'. Or maybe it's just the last death throws of somebody in the process of committing. In which case nothing that we say is very relevant.

---

The only reason this even got into my head was because two women I know told me this about her and it really got to my head. But I'm not reducing other personality differences into an issue about looks; it's just the thing I think people first notice about someone. It doesn't help that we're doing a long distance thing until December; judgements that I would normally make in a matter of days are stretched out much longer because it's hard to sort out my feelings from far away.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

Totally know where you're coming from. It's like hormonal. Though ultimately, is there anything wrong with your relationship now?

---

No not really. I mean it's not all day sunshine but it is definitely good.

Perceived opportunity cost kills. Today is a gift--that's why they call it the present :heart:

So far all the comments are about commitment, in some form or shape. Monogamy, lifestyle. (Choosing a school, a major, a profession, place to live--those are commitments, too. Bit different from the personal relationship kind but still a choice has to be made.) Hadn't thought of it that way until now, sort of fear of committing to the next phase of life when it feels like a fork in the road. Fear of making the wrong choice and feeling "stuck", which is silly because we make changes and adapt all the time.

This feels oddly familiar, reminiscent of my teenaged years, then marriage and having children. It'd be easier to just age-in-place but change careers or hobbies (lots of people do that). But I feel like the kid who yearns to get away from home, break out and start fresh somewhere new. Doubly hard since my teen kid is going through the same phase of his own. :eek:

Hazir, your dual life sounds intriguing but compartmentalized.

A lot of us are still pretty young, so we mostly have to think about commitments and choices like that, we have many doors open (if we're lucky) and we have to pick one and it's very hard sometimes, and so on. You don't really see many doors for yourself, so you want to crawl up into crazy cat lady-hood. I think. You're not satisfied where you are, but you don't know where to go, either.

I am 30, I wouldn't consider myself young.

You seem to be struggling with a problem that's associated with relative youth though, for better or worse.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GGT

How do you deal with them?

---

Try not to go mad. I've been in a continuous crisis for what seems like a fucking decade. (EDIT: I guess it's not really a crisis anymore; more like long term neurosis)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GGT

My current crisis is trying to figure out if I want to check out of society, for the most part, and retire to a few acres in Maine by the water. A loon talking to the loons, a crazy cat lady, so to speak. With so much idle time on my hands that I might write, read, draw, stay awake into the wee hours, and sleep only when tired. At this rate, I won't sleep much at all.....but what I do with my waking hours will change.

---

This isn't what I had in mind though I can see how it relates. Anyway, I think this sound's fucking great. Grass is always greener though.... But if I had the means to do this today, and still give the kids access to good education and socialization (whateverthefuck that is) I'd do it in a second.

Quote:

---

It's really only a "crisis" due to the crappy housing market and uncertainty about having a place to call home. I have two sons that may or may not be able to go it on their own, the jury is out on that, so I feel compelled to keep the status quo. After the recession of the 80's plenty of us sought safe harbor with our folks for a couple of years. Even if we had a degree.

---

I don't think that's existential as much as it is economic. Existentially is more about purpose and meaning (the lack of, that is)...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nessus

A lot of us are still pretty young, so we mostly have to think about commitments and choices like that, we have many doors open (if we're lucky) and we have to pick one and it's very hard sometimes, and so on. You don't really see many doors for yourself, so you want to crawl up into crazy cat lady-hood. I think. You're not satisfied where you are, but you don't know where to go, either.

---

Pretty much, yeah. Not so much a lack of doors, almost too many options, really. Age has a way of making decisions seem more dire. Less time to do a U-turn if things don't work out?

Choob, you might know what I mean. It's a myth that a mid-life crisis comes once in a lifetime. Maybe they come every decade?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GGT

Choob, you might know what I mean. It's a myth that a mid-life crisis comes once in a lifetime. Maybe they come every decade?

---

Christ, when do they go away?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

My only dilemma is whether or not I can stay with a girl I really like if I've now concluded that she's not as attractive as past girlfriends. IE does personality really outweigh looks. And I'm not posting pics of her, so it's thus boring. Back to you! :noob:

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

The only reason this even got into my head was because two women I know told me this about her and it really got to my head. But I'm not reducing other personality differences into an issue about looks; it's just the thing I think people first notice about someone. It doesn't help that we're doing a long distance thing until December; judgements that I would normally make in a matter of days are stretched out much longer because it's hard to sort out my feelings from far away.

---

Hmm. Look, most people get fairly fat and ugly as they get older, so it is largely moot. Add to that the fact that women get a lot fatter after having kids. So, good looks are fairly transient anyway.

What I recommend is this: is there a spark in her eyes that really makes you warm inside? Sometimes when you watch her do you feel your chest constrict? And finally, is that still true a couple of years after you first started dating? If so, then you're good and should stick with her. Sex is fun, but all in all is fairly ephemeral. IMO you should get married to somebody unless they're a very good friend, and that that friendship has come to mean more to you than the sex.