To the bitter end

Imagine you have a loving relationship with your spouse. It's a fantastic relationship that has survived many years, produced children, etc.

One day you discover you have cancer. Not curable, but treatable. About two years later you discover your spouse has been having an extra-marital affair.

You legally separate for about two years. You begin the paperwork needed and plan to get legally divorced within a month when your doctors tell you that your cancer has metastasized and you have a few weeks to live.

Do you hold off on the divorce so that you can die with your children and spouse as a family? Or do you pursue the divorce as a last act, to die separated from the person who betrayed you?

Hmm, I probably would have more important things to do than bother with divorce proceedings. But I would amend my will ASAP so the dirty cheater gets nothing, but that my children are provided for.

Aha.

Now that I decided to read news, this is your reaction to Elizabeth Edwards?


My answer is, finally, that if it happens I'll be sure to find you and let you know what I decide.

Gah, I was hoping no one would notice. Not that it actually changes things, but would be interesting to see responses in the abstract. Because honestly I think it's an interesting dilemma.

I suspect I would opt to remain a family, but I also have a feeling that dying would introduce a real fuck you into my system.

the divorce: you do what your love tells you to do

the will: vengence

Well, it makes a difference.

The circumstances around the affair could have a hell of a lot to do with your dying reaction, I think. And once you're dead it's not like it matters, anyway.

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

Imagine you have a loving relationship with your spouse. It's a fantastic relationship that has survived many years, produced children, etc.

One day you discover you have cancer. Not curable, but treatable. About two years later you discover your spouse has been having an extra-marital affair.

You legally separate for about two years. You begin the paperwork needed and plan to get legally divorced within a month when your doctors tell you that your cancer has metastasized and you have a few weeks to live.

Do you hold off on the divorce so that you can die with your children and spouse as a family? Or do you pursue the divorce as a last act, to die separated from the person who betrayed you?

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Depends on who has what in the marriage. If you have a sizable estate and don't want the cheater getting it, you get the divorce to make it that much harder for them to contest the terms of the will.

Oh, didn't realize this was tied to anything.

Still think I wouldn't worry too much about divorce unless as Fuzzy says, the divorce would make easier to keep him out of the will.

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Originally Posted by LittleFuzzy

Depends on who has what in the marriage. If you have a sizable estate and don't want the cheater getting it, you get the divorce to make it that much harder for them to contest the terms of the will.

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Well, if you're married the assets are generally joined in some way. Though a divorce is a good way to basically take away half from the other party.

But is it really all about money? To me the more pressing question is about forgiveness and what a family means when it comes down to the wire.

Hmmmm. Family sticks with you in hard times. They don't kick you when you are down. Since John's affair took place during her cancer struggles, seems to me he didn't think much of his "family" at the time. It's up to her if she wants to forgive.

I myself do not forgive easily. An affair is a betrayal of trust and love in my opinion. A life you've built upon has been blown apart; the other person no longer devoted to your family. I could not get past an affair no matter what the circumstances. But that is my personal problem; if another person can do so then they are much stronger than I.

As far as wills go: I'm thinking more that I would want to make sure that my children are taken care of. Too many times when a spouse dies, the other takes up with a new person. Sometimes that new person resents the children from the previous marriage and gets rid of heirlooms, spends their college fund for themselves. If I found out who I thought was my love cheated on me, then I could no longer trust his character and thus must protect my children's future from his personal failures.

I think that if there are no other legal problems (e.g. the disposition of a will, religious matters of a divorcee vs. a widow/er) I don't see why I'd take the effort. Who cares? I'd have better things to do.

In reality, though, there are legal externalities involved that might make it worth it. Writing an ex out of a will is a reasonable desire, and a lot easier if you're not just separated.

I could start by making sure everyone on my facebook finds out about it :o

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

But is it really all about money?

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I said if.

JewTube has failed me

I wanted to post Wesley's dying scene, from the Angel finale

If you've seen it, you know what I mean

Anyways, I suppose it would depend on whether I'd thought I could lie to myself for those two weeks or whatever, dying's awfully lonely business to begin with

I don't think I could

But I can see the temptation

And it's a mighty big temptation

Meh, depends. If my spouse cheated on me knowing that I was dying, I'd go to reasonable lengths to exclude the spouse from any financial gain. Shouldn't hassle me, since I can squander my accumulated wealth to pay lawyers to take care of it.

That would change radically if younger children were involved. If so, then protecting them would be my first priority, and everything else secondary.

I'm so vain, I thought this thread was about me.


I'll go back to the clowns in my coffee now.

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this thread is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this thread is about you
Don't you? Don't you?


You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and


You're so vain
You probably think this thread is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this thread is about you
Don't you? Don't you?


I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and


You're so vain
You probably think this thread is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this thread is about you
Don't you? Don't you?


Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and


You're so vain
You probably think this thread is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this thread is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Eh, who would want to spend his/her last two weeks in this world filled with anger and negativism?

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6B66O820101207

Elizabeth Edwards passed away today.

RIP. She was a brave and strong woman. With an incredible capacity for forgiveness and dignity.....

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John Edwards, from whom Elizabeth Edwards separated last year after he acknowledged fathering a child with a former aide to his unsuccessful vice presidential campaign, was with his wife and their three children: Cate, 28; Emma, 12; and Jack, 10.

During an appearance on TODAY last year, Elizabeth Edwards said that while it was difficult not to be able to “lean” on the man she once called “my rock,” she thought it was important to not shut him out.

“For the children she’s put on a brave face, and kept that relationship intact. He’s at the house this week, helping with the children, getting takeout for the family that is visiting,” Westfall said.

Agreeing with Lauer that it must be a difficult time for the children, Westfall said Elizabeth Edwards has been preparing them for her death for some time.

“She, years ago, starting writing a ‘dying letter,’ she called it, so she would have the advice to pass on and always be there with a mother's wisdom when she couldn’t be there physically,” Westfall said.

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Originally Posted by Catgrrl

I myself do not forgive easily. An affair is a betrayal of trust and love in my opinion. A life you've built upon has been blown apart; the other person no longer devoted to your family. I could not get past an affair no matter what the circumstances. But that is my personal problem; if another person can do so then they are much stronger than I.

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Your thoughts run along similar lines to my own here.

People change, circumstances change, people fall in and out of love.

If you are in a relationship with a person and fall in love with somebody else, as happens so often, man up and face the situation. Have enough self-respect and respect for the person you once loved to tell them that you wish to leave them.

To not tell them, to sneak around and sleep with someone else behind their back, lying to them day in and day out is low, pathetic, cowardly and disgusting.

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As far as wills go: I'm thinking more that I would want to make sure that my children are taken care of. Too many times when a spouse dies, the other takes up with a new person. Sometimes that new person resents the children from the previous marriage and gets rid of heirlooms, spends their college fund for themselves. If I found out who I thought was my love cheated on me, then I could no longer trust his character and thus must protect my children's future from his personal failures.

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And similar thoughts to me again here. :)

I'd want to protect my children. I'd ensure the will was arranged in such a way that they were covered as much as possible into their future.

And cut the cheating bitch/bastard out entirely.

It would be a shame to ruin my last few weeks having a stomach filled with bile and hate, and I'd do my best to put it out of my mind for more important matters, but not sure I'd be succeed in that.

And in that, to answer the question, I'd not bother pursuing the divorce for the triviality the marriage was evidently considered to be by the spouse, so long as leaving the marriage intact would not jeopardise my intention of bequeathing everything I owned to my children, and not a jot to the adulterer.

I don't know. Do you want your last days defined by anger and spite against the person that's likely been closest to you your whole life? Do you want that to be the legacy your children inherit? And if you are Christian, do you want your unwillingness to forgive to land you a ticket to Hell? The better person would forgive and die a family, I think.

Wow, that was really fast. I suppose they got the news a few weeks ago and made preparations to release the news yesterday. :(

John Edwards is a douche bag.

What I don't understand is why Elizabeth Edwards is a public figure. Let's see, "wife of a politician" seems to be her main contribution to the modern world.

Not to run her down or anything. I'm sure she was a swell person. But she just seems to be another random person coughed up by an eddy in the pop culture machine.

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Originally Posted by ']['ear

What I don't understand is why Elizabeth Edwards is a public figure. Let's see, "wife of a politician" seems to be her main contribution to the modern world.

Not to run her down or anything. I'm sure she was a swell person. But she just seems to be another random person coughed up by an eddy in the pop culture machine.

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That's about it. Her husband ran for president and VP a few times and when she was down and out with cancer he was fucking some other woman and knocked her up. That's got magazine sales written all over it. Sad really. Really sad.

I really don't know what I would do. On one hand, I am not exactly a forgiving person when I have been betrayed. On the other hand, for the "sake of the children" and continuity in their lives, I could see holding off on the divorce.

I do know I would change my will and appoint an outside person as executor to make sure my kid(s) got what they deserved!

After as many years as John and Elizabeth were married, I am sure (in some unfathomable to me way) that having him with her at the end was a comfort to her. I am also positive that it was a comfort to the children! After all, he is their Dad, they love him, and they need all the support they can get right now!

RIP Elizabeth! You were a strong, brave lady to the end! A great role model for your children!

Was she? Was she? How do you know? What do you know beyond the soap opera? I like that she worked for breast cancer awareness. OK, we all would pretty much do that, right?

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Originally Posted by ']['ear

Was she? Was she? How do you know? What do you know beyond the soap opera? I like that she worked for breast cancer awareness. OK, we all would pretty much do that, right?

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I didn't follow much of her post betrayal media tour, but I think her 'speaking out' about what her douche bag husband did is considered bravery. Didn't she write a book about it? Arn't political wives generally expected to keep their mouths shut when their ego-maniac husbands go sleeping around? Is that bravery? I don't know. Hope I never find out for sure.

Amen to that!

Look, dealing with serious hardship without curling up in a ball is brave enough. I'm just not comfortable with the lionization simply for having a fatal illness/cheating husband.