About this text, meet expectations about english correctness ? Asking for feedack

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06-13-2013, 12:30 AM
Kerberos2002

About this text, meet expectations about english correctness ? Asking for feedack

My dear english native friends, could you spend some minutes and read the small text below ? is an abstract about a work i planned to deliver the next months, the english abstract is a must have, i must confess tou you guys. My english is kind of rusty :D

Much appreciated any feedback.

Quote:

ABSTRACT

The reduction of logistics costs enabled organizations to expand their markets worldwide, however, increased the difficulty in grabbing market share from their competitors. Clients now have at their disposal a large number of choices, thus price is not anymore the only purchase decision driver.

Organizations strives toward excellence, spending their resources to meet and even surpass customer expectations, providing the right item in the right quantity at the right time at the right place for the right price in the right condition to the right customer.
In order to achieve such level of excellence, their supply chains require quickly response to market fluctuations, frequently of random nature.

Growing larger each day, with many facilities scattered around the globe, the increasing complexity of supply chains make the task of integrating its components under an unified policy management being not a trivial solution. Conventional analytical models applied to large systems featuring stochastic behavior are too complex to be solved. With computer power costs decreasing each day, computer simulation is a powerful methodology to perform what-if scenario analysis and optimization of the whole supply chain.

Among many simulation methodologies available, discrete event simulation enables the supply chain´s dynamic behavior being unfolded while undergoing demand and lead time uncertainties. Despite being a powerful tool for quantitative analysis, modeling systems with such technique is very hard and commercial discrete event simulation platforms are cost prohibitive.

Moreover, they demand prior programming language knowledge and training. This work proposes a small supply chain modeling and implementation by means of discrete event simulation. The simulator will measure the influences of demand and lead time uncertainties, jointly with different inventory policies, over important performance indicators such as inventory costs and service level.
06-13-2013, 02:42 AM
Dreadnaught

Is this something you wrote and want help to make it better? Or is this something you are trying to understand?
06-13-2013, 02:50 AM
LittleFuzzy
Quote:

The reduction of logistics costs¹enabled organizations to expand their markets worldwide, however, increased² the difficulty in grabbing market share from their competitors. Clients now have at their disposal a large number of choices,³ thus price is not anymore the only purchase decision driver.

Organizations strives toward excellence, spending their resources to meet and even surpass customer expectations, providing the right item in the right quantity at the right time at the right place for the right price in the right condition to the right customer.⁴
In order to achieve such level of excellence,⁵ their supply chains require quickly response to market fluctuations, frequently of random nature.

⁶Growing larger each day, with many facilities scattered around the globe, the increasing complexity of supply chains make⁷ the task of integrating its⁸ components under an unified policy management⁹ being¹⁰ not a trivial solution. Conventional analytical models applied to large systems featuring stochastic behavior are too complex to be solved. With computer power¹¹ costs decreasing each day, computer simulation is a powerful methodology to perform¹² what-if scenario analysis and optimization of the whole supply chain.

Among many simulation methodologies available, discrete event simulation enables the supply chain´s dynamic behavior being unfolded¹³ whileundergoing demand and lead time uncertainties. Despite¹⁴ being a powerful tool for quantitative analysis, modeling systems with such technique is¹⁵ very hard¹⁶ and commercial discreteeventsimulation¹⁷ platforms are cost prohibitive.

Moreover, they demand prior programming language knowledge and training.¹⁸ This work proposes a small supply chain modeling¹⁹ and implementation by means of discrete event simulation. The simulator will measure the influences of demand and lead time uncertainties, jointly²⁰ with different inventory policies, over important performance indicators such as inventory costs and service level.
1. problematic grammar. It appears to be unnecessary/awkward pluralization. Cost of logistics, logistic or logistical costs, etc would be better phrasing
2. Too many commas and you also need a link between the prior clause and this connected subordinate clause like "they also increased"
3. Another questionable comma
4. too many commas. If this is supposed to be a list then there needs to be a : after "excellence." If it is not a list link the second and third clauses with either an "and" if the two clauses or equal or a subordinating conjunction if the third clause is dependent on the second
5. Unnecessary comma
6. The subject of the sentence needs to be made clear much earlier. Either rewrite it entirely or provide a conjunction at the beginning linking it to the supply chains mentioned in the last sentence of the prior paragraph.
7. makes, not "make"
8. their, not "its"
9. I think this should probably be "unified management policy" unless UPM is a jargon term I'm unfamiliar with
10. "being" doesn't fit in the sentence at all and the rest us awkwardly constructed. Perhaps instead "leaves the task of integrating their components under a unified management policy without any trivial solutions." Still awkward and in passive-voice but less so.
11. I think you mean "computing power" unless you're referring to the power supply on the individual computers.
12. I suspect "computer simulation. . . to perform" is also not the phrasing you want but without knowing what you're discussing it's hard to be sure. Does "computer simulation is a powerful tool for performing. . ." work for what you want to say?
13. "being unfolded" is definitely wrong but without knowing what kind of dynamic behavior you're referring to it's difficult to suggest what should go in its place. "behavior to unfold" would work for the first part of the sentence but is a poor fit for "demand. . . uncertainties." "Enables" might also be a poor verb choice but it is harder to tell.
14. I can't quite put my finger on it but something about the "despite" linking the two thoughts strikes me as hard and jarring.
15. The plural "modeling systems" requires this to be "techniques are"
16. very hard. . . what? You're missing a direct object.
17. I suspect you need some hyphens or something similar linking "discrete event simulation platforms"
18. This sentence belongs with the prior paragraph
19. Bad grammar. Should be either "proposes a small supply chain model" or "proposes small supply chain modeling." Modeling appears to be part of the subject, not an active verb modifying "supply chain."
20. Another either/or. If the uncertainties and policies are combined processes then keep the "jointly" and lose the comma. If they are parallel processes then keep the comma and replace the "jointly" with something like "along with" to indicate they are related by separate.
06-13-2013, 03:05 AM
Kerberos2002

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

Is this something you wrote and want help to make it better? Or is this something you are trying to understand?

First option :)
06-13-2013, 03:06 AM
Kerberos2002
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleFuzzy

problematic grammar. It appears to be unnecessary/awkward pluralization. Cost of logistics, logistic or logistical costs, etc would be better phrasing

Too many commas and you also need a link between the prior clause and this connected subordinate clause like "they also increased"

Another questionable comma

too many commas. If this is supposed to be a list then there needs to be a : after "excellence." If it is not a list link the second and third clauses with either an "and" if the two clauses or equal or a subordinating conjunction if the third clause is dependent on the second

Unnecessary comma

The subject of the sentence needs to be made clear much earlier. Either rewrite it entirely or provide a conjunction at the beginning linking it to the supply chains mentioned in the last sentence of the prior paragraph.

makes, not "make"

their, not "its"

I think this should probably be "unified management policy" unless UPM is a jargon term I'm unfamiliar with

"being" doesn't fit in the sentence at all and the rest us awkwardly constructed. Perhaps instead "leaves the task of integrating their components under a unified management policy without any trivial solutions." Still awkward and in passive-voice but less so.

I think you mean "computing power" unless you're referring to the power supply on the individual computers.

I suspect "computer simulation. . . to perform" is also not the phrasing you want but without knowing what you're discussing it's hard to be sure. Does "computer simulation is a powerful tool for performing. . ." work for what you want to say?

"being unfolded" is definitely wrong but without knowing what kind of dynamic behavior you're referring to it's difficult to suggest what should go in its place. "behavior to unfold" would work for the first part of the sentence but is a poor fit for "demand. . . uncertainties." "Enables" might also be a poor verb choice but it is harder to tell.

I can't quite put my finger on it but something about the "despite" linking the two thoughts strikes me as hard and jarring.

The plural "modeling systems" requires this to be "techniques are"

very hard. . . what? You're missing a direct object.

I suspect you need some hyphens or something similar linking "discrete event simulation platforms"

This sentence belongs with the prior paragraph

Bad grammar. Should be either "proposes a small supply chain model" or "proposes small supply chain modeling." Modeling appears to be part of the subject, not an active verb modifying "supply chain."

Another either/or. If the uncertainties and policies are combined processes then keep the "jointly" and lose the comma. If they are parallel processes then keep the comma and replace the "jointly" with something like "along with" to indicate they are related by separate.
Wow :eek:, huge thanks Little Fuzzy!

I made most of your suggestions, and modified some phrases (especially the last ones). Indeed, the meaning wasn´t clear.

Quote:

The reduction of logistical costs enabled organizations to expand their markets worldwide; however they also increased the difficulty in grabbing market share from their competitors. Clients now have at their disposal a large number of choices thus price is not anymore the only purchase decision driver.

Organizations strive to meet and even surpass customer expectations by ensuring the right item in the right quantity at the right time at the right place for the right price in the right condition to the right customer. In order to achieve such level of excellence their supply chains require quickly response to market fluctuations, frequently of random nature.

The increasing complexity of supply chains, growing larger each day with many facilities scattered around the globe leaves the task of integrating their components under a unified management policy without a trivial solution. Conventional analytical models applied to large systems featuring stochastic behavior are too complex to be solved.

With computing power costs decreasing each day, computer simulation is a powerful tool to perform what-if scenario analysis and optimization of the whole supply chain. Among many simulation approaches available, discrete event simulation (DES) allows to understand supply chain´s dynamic behavior while undergoing demand and lead time uncertainties.

DES is a powerful tool for quantitative analysis, although such technique needs experienced resources to model the system. Commercial discrete event simulation platforms are cost prohibitive moreover they demand prior programming language knowledge and training. This work proposes a small supply chain model and implementation by means of discrete event simulation.

The simulator will measure the influences of demand and lead time uncertainties, along with different inventory policies, over important performance indicators such as inventory costs and service level.

Thanks a lot again.