How to deal with sexual abuse....

...and the secrecy?

I recently learned that someone I love very much was raped in high school. He was sodomized with a broom handle by boys he knew, but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. He didn't see a doctor for his physical injuries, and even tho he was seeing a therapist at the time for other emotional issues, he kept it secret. He just buried the trauma, and tried to endure on his own. For over ten years.

While I'm glad he finally felt safe enough to tell someone, and confide in me, I don't know what to do with it since he's my son. :cry:

PS this forum is the only place I know where I can vent while keeping his "secret" safe. He told his brother around the same time he told me, but doesn't want his father to know. He shared it with his girlfriend, but we can't talk about it. We're all walking on egg shells.

Hell, I could only make this thread after drinking some wine getting drunk. I can't imagine what my son has been thru the last decade -- it literally hurts my heart and soul.

Now what? NOW WHAT?

Oh my God GG that is awful... I'm so sorry :( it is awful and unfair that he has to carry this with him while the people responsible keep living their lives, when they should be in prison. I have no advice to give other than to support him however he chooses to move forward from this. Those decisions are his, but, whatever course he chooses, the support of his family will mean everything to him. Being able to share some of this with you is an important change; now he's no longer alone with the knowledge. Anyway, again, I'm just so very sorry, and I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through. Give yourselves some time to land. peace

I'm so sorry to hear :( I don't have any advice to give, I'm just so sorry to hear that. Take care :heart:

That is horrible on so many levels. I'm though happy your son reached a point where he could reach out for help with the trauma. I hope you yourself know that you are also a victim in this. Even though you are aware of what happened long ago only recently. Victims are victims and don't share any of the blame with the perpetrators.

GG. Abuse causes PTSD.
I will present the framework of how the mind works. Everything you do requires that person to understand this first. I have used this with an American WWII veteran and really helped him. Healing is not easy, it takes longer to heal a wound in the soul than a wound in the body.
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Many people talk to you about putting distance from problems, managing thoughts or managing emotions, and other things that are very difficult if you do not have a reference framework to start with. The first thing is to disaggregate the "mind", where for the purposes of this exercise of making the distinction and disaggregating parts that you can handle, we are going to understand it in the following way.

Imagine that your mind is an airplane. The brain is a biochemical machine, a survival engine, and not a truth detector. If it were a truth detector, everything your brain would see would be true. That means that sometimes your brain may not see the truth, which means that the reality you see is not real.

The brain is an organ, like any other in the body, and it can fail. Just as a stomach ache (biochemical alteration of the stomach) makes you not want to go to a party to meet people, in the same way biochemical alterations of the brain have their effects.

For this exercise we will separate 3 things:
The reality that you see: It is determined by the biochemistry of your brain.
Your brain: It is an instrument panel that provides information from brain biochemistry.
You: You can call it the being, the soul or the place where your being is housed that is capable of seeing and understanding.

The brain does not realize whether reality is bent by biochemistry or not. That is why it is important that you understand that you are not your brain, and that the information that comes to you may not be true. So you must ask this important and simple question:
Am I 100% happy?
If the answer is 99% or less, then there is some degree of distortion in the perception of reality. What should you do?

* Don't trust the thoughts that come to your mind. They will be tragic, apocalyptic, sad, catastrophic, destructive thoughts.
* Not trusting the feelings you feel. They will be hideous emotions, fueled by ugly thoughts.
* Do not trust the reality that you see. It will be a dark, gloomy, end-of-the-world, hopeless reality.
* Delay any reaction. Usually procrastination is not good. But in this almost yes. Wait until you are 100% happy to evaluate if the reaction you were going to have was the best. It is that if you react badly, not being happy, you can end up getting into trouble. Delaying your reaction helps you stay out of trouble.

When you are not 100% happy, the information that comes to you is not real. Contrary to what you might think, that's good news. The good news is that everything ugly is nothing more than the result of a biochemical deception of the brain.

Here some useful videos from a Spanish specialist who treats PTSD. If you could translate it, that would be awesome.
Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_DuGUu03N0
Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD53ObIVBgQ
Part 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IFj3D_cD28
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Mourning
As the situation of tragedy is a situation of separation and / or loss, you will mourn. Mourning is overwhelming, and although it may seem strange, it is a tunnel that you have to go through, because if you don't, you get chronic depression. Immersing yourself in mourning leads to you having to follow the 4 steps of the recipe. You're going to feel terrible, but there is good news. The mourning fuel tank is limited in size. The fuel of mourning is finite, it runs out. Mourning lasts from 1 to 2 years, and is initially more intense and decreases in intensity over time.

Each person has a different level of tolerance to these emotions, and there is always the possibility of seeking medical help. Science at the service of your well-being.

There comes a day when you feel like you are locked in a room full of a deep boredom that comes from the soul, because you are already tired of being sad and feeling bad, and you only have one way left: to feel good and be happy again. That day the fuel tank of mourning ran out.
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FORGIVE
When it comes to mistreating loved ones, especially close relatives, it is very painful. But it happens in many families, from the rabble to the most renowned families. Why should you personify those who, having the DUTY to love you, do not?

Imagine that learning to truly love was something you learn in a school, there you learn theory and practice. There are no schools, so all the love that people learn to give is learned from generation to generation. So if they don't love, they are emotionally illiterate. And when you start to see families where there is no love, you discover widespread illiteracy. Grandparents did not teach parents to love, and they could neither love nor teach their children love. And if you do not learn to love, you will be one more in the chain of illiteracy.

You cannot require an illiterate person to solve astrodynamic equations. Nor can you ask someone who does not know how to love, to love. That is the reason why you should forgive them, for being illiterate. But that also means that if you do not get out of illiteracy and do not learn to love, you will continue to suffer from the lack of love. You would have to become the first PhD in an illiterate family.

From a realistic point of view, abusers are idiots, because they preferred to have dopamine instead of having love. Finding someone who truly loves you is hard. In their late years they will be alone.
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IMMEDIATE ACTION
Abuse requires silence. Abuser will try to cancel and silence the abused. It is like escaping from NK. Check Youtube channel of Yeonmi Park and see what I mean.
It is important to put as much distance as possible, like you would do between a lion and a deer.

Hope it helps.

That is awful, GGT. I'm so sorry.

I agree with some of the others who have said it's important to respect his choices. You're no stranger to having parenthood being full of emotional baggage that you just have to bear, and in some respects I think this is similar.

But we all know that it's also different. He may benefit from some real therapy and, if he's like other younger men I know, being urged to actually see a therapist a few times to talk about the incident.

Any idea why he confided this to you now?

Thanks all.

I think the pandemic -- being isolated, feeling anxious and helpless -- hit him super hard. When we'd talk I was giving 'motherly advice and encouragement' about feeling victimized by situations, and coping strategies. But since I didn't know the full context of his trauma, it wasn't what he needed. At all. I think that's why he finally broke down and told me :(

He has been trying to find "real therapy" but is uninsured and makes too much to qualify for Medicaid. He's suspicious of Zoom sessions and first face-to-face appointments aren't available for 6 months. Even looking for help just adds insult to injury. Might have a lead on U of Pitt Clinical Psychology Doctoral students who are required to conduct patient sessions, free of charge, but there's a waiting list.

Solutions I have found for people with messed up minds. Scheludes of a call center bring structure to the mind. But COVID makes this solution less desirable.
There is a way in which YOU can bring structure to that person. Some games have some specific sets of rules and I found one that has allowed me to help someone. It is called Battletech. I am using this to make someone who was abused and has PTSD.
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Step 1
* Buy Beginner box with simplified rules and affordable price: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/toy...=0856232002691
* Buy lots of pairs of colored dice like in these examples. Like 70 dice.
https://i.servimg.com/u/f30/20/35/29/85/initia10.png
https://i.servimg.com/u/f30/20/35/29/85/gator10.jpg
https://i.servimg.com/u/f30/20/35/29/85/locati10.png
* Print these materials:
https://mega.nz/file/P3hmWCDL#jpOy0n...3RYmcbiwJ9eOUc
https://mega.nz/file/7uw0xYIS#g6L_rR...uY9sDtXChvvw4g
Playing this game allows the psycho affective experience of having company without having to suffer, remember, feel. This will force some structure in his mind. Structure to the mind is better than encouragement. It brings some order to chaos.

He can also read this using a software called Calibri: https://mega.nz/file/n3AEELyQ#1hjAWW...5XywHyGdrTwxzQ
It is a fictional story of a person who is experiencing lots of frustration, nightmares, trauma and unlucky fortune in that universe. It is a story of growth. This helped that person to not feel diminished. If he lives his story through the evolution of this character, I am convinced he will develop some sense of courage. This character will help him to not be helpless anymore. He does not need to be helpless anymore.
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Step 2
* Buy Battletech boxset: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/toy...ombat/33810917
Here is the visual guide to learn the rules in a more friendly way with the rulebook in your hands: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...uR6mmFZmJAisl2
* Buy Mechwarrior Destiny role playing game: https://store.catalystgamelabs.com/p...arrior-destiny
* Print this materials:
https://mega.nz/file/Oy5yVAxB#cdrGsy...5d86LXppjt9DdI
https://mega.nz/file/WmhGCQSS#aZNJuu...Zk9DrYsGxhh4Sc
Start playing role play with him, you as game master. This is a video about how to be game master in Dungeons and Dragons, but the concept is the same. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PEt5RdNHNw

Mechwarrior Destiny is about creating Mission Impossible missions with giant robot combat. If you need help let me know. Start a thread about "Mechwarrior Destiny". The advantage of playing a character is that he can face lots of things in a game without the dangers of real life. If you create a mission where he can be the person he wants to be and protects people like him, this will create an emotional experience of recovery.

There he can vent his emotions on fictional enemies. You just set the stage and let him play. You can make this game to be an adventure where he heals by protecting others. For example, if you play as a mechwarrior from a certain house, and you create a setting where he has to investigate, only to find there are pirates doing activities where people must be saved.
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A patient I am helping

PTSD can be found in soldiers who went to war, victims of abuse, victims of kidnapping or bank robbery, etc.

This person I am helping has PTSD and had been going through many specialists, but in the end the solution is to stop fearing the internal demons, and be brave to face them, even if not always there is a victory against the demons. More valuable than the advice of specialists is the psycho affective support of a friendly support netowrk of people. And you are part of that.

Before you begin with step 1, specify him that the objective of playing the game is to bring structure to the mind. And when reading that doc, you want him to experience everything the character is experiencing and understand the courage that was developed by the main character along the story. Also specify that every time he touches Battletech it must be to feel a safe harbor. If he does not feel like he can do it, he better put aside Battletech. Battletech must become an excuse to have some good time with a cup of coffee.

Battletech is like chess with some math. Math and rules bring stucture. And the experience of the character of that story brings courage.
And playing the game gives the emotional support in a friendly way without generating codependency. As I said, Battletech must become a safe harbor in his life.
So every time he plays it is therapy time, and joy time. Not a time to victimize of feel helpless. Not a time to suffer.
I am going through this helping experience in a very advanced stage. I have managed to make that person to take control of most of daily tasks.
You do not need more motherly advice and encouragement. Just play, and make this game to be an excuse to have a good time among friends.

This game and you playing with him is a great therapy, given that you set the conditions to play as I stated.
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Translate the videos

I also advice to ask someone to translate the 3 videos I posted because these are the core concepts for him to understand so he can treat himself and understand his problem. An abuse like he had probably made him develop PTSD. And these 3 videos are useful for everyone, but especially people with PTSD. There is no waste in these 3 videos. I cannot stress enough the need to translate these videos. These are top notch materials from a top notch specialist.

In the end getting out of the woods is something only he can do. You may cheer him up, but you cannot reprogram his brain. He has to do that. He needs 2 things:
* To understand what happens in his mind. Translate these 3 videos.
* To have a support network and therapy. The 2 steps of this post are an affordable way to provide elements of therapy he could otherwise have to pay for.
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A plan B for him

Another option is to go to Costa Rica. Health insurance is very cheap. The only issue is that once he enrolls in voluntary freelancer insurance, the only way to unenroll is to prove that he was hired in a job in Costa Rica (so the Costa Rican company would pay the insurance). Health insurance is public. Making a living has prices similar to USA, but unemployment is too high there. This is a good backup plan.
If you want to monitor COVID, use this link: https://aatishb.com/covidtrends/?sca...ion=Costa+Rica
The top of the first wave brought hospitals to the limit. And cases are still above hospital capacity. So it is not yet a good time to have a trip.

So the tabletop option I gave is a good option in the meantime. Try step one. If it works, go to step 2.

As an extra, you may like to see this video so you know why he should enroll in a Costa Rican insurance with CCSS (healthcare institution in Costa Rica).

Indian and British Doctors React to US Medical Bills
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL-cS9-wxpg

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Originally Posted by ar81

<snippety snip snip>

In the end getting out of the woods is something only he can do. You may cheer him up, but you cannot reprogram his brain. He has to do that.

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That's the only thing that made sense in your long and strange post. The paradox is that no one can "reprogram their brain" on their own, but finding help has become so difficult that it exacerbates the initial problem.

Sorry dude, but if playing video games or moving to Costa Rica actually worked...everyone with PTSD would be playing video games and moving to Costa Rica. :donkey:

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Originally Posted by GGT

That's the only thing that made sense in your long and strange post. The paradox is that no one can "reprogram their brain" on their own, but finding help has become so difficult that it exacerbates the initial problem.

Sorry dude, but if playing video games or moving to Costa Rica actually worked...everyone with PTSD would be playing video games and moving to Costa Rica. :donkey:

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It is not a videogame. It is a tabletop game. Now I know why you felt it was strange, because there is a videogame of Battletech. Rules bring structure to the mind. If you see what psychologists will do first is to make the patient to bring structure to their mind. They first work on sleeping and eating schedules, and then other forms to bring structure to their mind. I have seen it a lot. Many cases. The wife of my best friend is a psychologist and we often talk, not about specific cases, but about new tools to achieve some desired effects on people.

If you do not like tabletop, that is Ok, he will have to find something else to find structure to his life.

People who cannot afford a US health insurance can afford it in Costa Rica. I know a Canadian (Canada has a good healthcare system) and he has Costa Rican health insurance that covers gaps in Canada's insurance.

This is a video about the tabletop game.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysRdpuJ1sn0&t=141s

Update: he eventually got subsidized insurance thru a union-related contract job (but not a full union member yet since it's based on hours worked per calendar year). Found a therapist specializing in "trauma related" issues, but could only get an appt. on Zoom. Bit the bullet and started therapy once a week, at $50 OOP for every virtual session. That's turned out to be too expensive, without much gain. She can diagnose and provide "talk therapy", and some degree of "cognitive therapy", but she can't prescribe the meds she says he might need to treat his clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD or ADD.

The US healthcare system is borked. Especially when it comes to treating mental health. Hell, he might do better to find a licensed medical marijuana prescriber and find just the right "pot pen" or edible to ease him thru the ups and downs of delayed trauma, and get him to the other side. Is that actual healing or just buying time? :(

Why not see a psychiatrist via Zoom? I don't think Zoom is the issue.

He went with the options available...which I suppose means "within the network of approved providers". Psychiatrists and psychologists are hard to find.

I find it hard to believe that there wasn't a single psychiatrist in network. Unlike therapists, he wouldn't need to see them regularly either.

Mental health coverage can be garbage and arcane, even with the best insurances :(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

Mental health coverage can be garbage and arcane, even with the best insurances :(

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Its mostly guess work. Anything needing behavioral analysis and not scans or blood tests is just winging it.