Breaking Up is Hard, Even If You're Breaking Up With Her

I just broke up with someone and it was rough. Was seeing someone a bit casually for a month. We were sleeping together and it was great...possibly even better than our emotional connection. I just couldn't emotionally connect with this girl and couldn't keep on sleeping with/spending time with someone without that connection. I suspected she felt the same; how could she think this was working?

So tonight I have the conversation and it turns out she has a long history of mild social anxiety disorder. And she got out of a very long relationship six months ago and has felt adrift since until she met me. She takes Lexapro for the SAD...which explains why I had trouble connecting with her. But in fact she liked me a lot. :|

I feel freaking awful. On one hand, I'm really not a good match for someone who is so subdued. I tend to be loud and all over the place. But I feel terrible that she liked me (we did get along after all) and I just crushed it.

Anyone here have any bad breakups they want to share (either side of the table)?

Well...the girl who I wanted to ask out sits near me in German and loudly explains in detail leading up to how one of her friends asked and her out and how shes comtenplating what to do...deliberatly in front of me. I'm so godamn mad. I'm pretty sure shes trying to coax me to ask her out, but I'm ending up hating her >_<

I don't think it was the medication that kept her from connecting with you Dread.

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Originally Posted by Knux897

Well...the girl who I wanted to ask out sits near me in German and loudly explains in detail leading up to how one of her friends asked and her out and how shes comtenplating what to do...deliberatly in front of me. I'm so godamn mad. I'm pretty sure shes trying to coax me to ask her out, but I'm ending up hating her >_<

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Does she know you like her? Do you know she likes you?

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Originally Posted by Being

I don't think it was the medication that kept her from connecting with you Dread.

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Probably not that alone. I'm probably not a good match for someone with SAD. But from what I read about Lexapro, it's not hard to also see how that can impact someone's personality too.

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

She takes Lexapro for the SAD...which explains why I had trouble connecting with her.

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huh?

I'll get back to the rest when I am sober :)

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. She probably didn't know you long enough to be comfortable to tell you about the drugs, but there's no way you could have anticipated that she was. Just an unfortunate situation. Maybe make sure that she doesn't hit another low after this, unless she doesn't want to see you any more.

I think that's what bother's me the most. That I might part of some chain of bad experiences for her.

Is Lexapro a drug?

http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-6399...l&drugid=63990

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

I think that's what bother's me the most. That I might part of some chain of bad experiences for her.

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Not your fault. Would've probably been worse to stay in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, experiences-wise...

Well, without trying to sound like an asshole - she may have liked you, but you obviously didn't like her as much so breaking up was the right thing. Might hurt now, but the longer you would have prolonged it the worse it would have been.

Breaking up hurts, being dumped hurts even more, but usually when you look back it was the right thing.

As far as i'm concerned Dread, it was probably the right thing to do. You had your doubts, it didn't feel right so you cut it short. Personally i'd have done the same as i wouldn't want it to progress and end up hurting the person/yourself even more down the line. Plus you wouldn't want to live a lie, let alone lie to yourself. Imagine if you hadn't have done this, then moved in together? Christ, you think now is bad?

I don't think I've had a bad breakup, I've had annoying ones but thats about it.

Me and my lady have been together for 5 years now and we are currently in a really bad stage right now. Hoping it doesn't turn sour but if it does this will be one hell of a breakup as we live together and all. Will have to see :).

As you all know, I just got divorced...again! Regardless of the fact we are maintaining a tenuous friendship (he has helped me out a lot here lately by just being there when I need to talk) it's still a hard thing to do. I was actually worried, since he battles depression off and on, that he might "do himself in", but he is handling it pretty well really. I am positive The Bug and The Bear have a lot to do with that. With those two, you do NOT have time to sit around and mope about an ex! :haha:

His Aunt, the lady that owns the house he lives in, is a very upright, uptight, Christian woman, so I was very worried about how she would take this. I needed a landlord statement from her for an apartment application, so went by her house when I was in Denver. As I was leaving she hugged me and gave me an awesome piece of advice!

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Sometimes two people's path in live are on the same highway, going the same way. Sometimes that lasts a lifetime. Then there are the times that the people's paths branch apart. Sometimes it is temporary, and they will walk together thru life after a struggle and readjustment period. Other times it's permanent, and one or both of you knows the end has come. In the case of The Thing and you, yours is permanent and it's better to part before you hate each other or want to kill each other.

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After this piece of advice, she said, "You know *****, your friend could have come in with you, I wouldn't have cared!" Of course, I was with The Friend and didn't think that was a good idea before we ever got to the house. Luckily for both of us, he was on the phone when we got there and still on the phone when she walked me out to the car! :p

Dread, in your case...YOU knew this was just a sexual hook-up type relationship on your part, and you were a gentleman enough to realize that wasn't going to work for either of you in the long run. Whether she was more attached to you than that, I have no clue. Even if she was, it's better to break up with her if you're not "into the relationship". Of course, there is absolutely NOTHING in the world wrong with having a purely sexual relationship with someone, even on a regular basis with the same person, if you BOTH know that's what it is. If you know any of her friends, you might contact one or more and tell them you have ended it with her and would they please kinda keep an eye on her. Her mental (I so hate to call it this) illness, her meds, and her seemingly fragile mental state right now, could cause her to over-react. I don't necessarily mean she will do anything drastic like kill herself, (or try) but she might hit the booze heavy, (not good with Lexapro) or start having random sexual encounters just to prove to herself she is still desirable. If you care about her as a friend of any sort, you will try to get with one of her friends and explain the situation. Then they know what to watch out for, and can maybe keep her from beating herself up over the break-up. This way too, someone she is close (relative term) to can hear the other side of the story and help talk her thru this.

Yep, the right thing to do can be, and often is, a bitch. The alternative is worse though.

edit: Wait, when I said the right thing to do is a bitch, I don't mean you should be doing bitches!

edit2: Well, yeah, do bitches as in the hippety hop kind of bitches, just not the ...

AArgghhh!! http://forums.civfanatics.com/images...rvous_hide.gif

I had a horrible break up with my long term ex last year. We'd just moved into a lovely barn conversion property with her horse in stables next door. The dog loved the fields all around. She had it easy, only paying 25% of the rent and nothing towards any food, bills, council tax or anything else. However, I had to work in the US on and off for a while and she simply couldn't deal with it - claiming I never did anything for her and I wasn't supporting her emotionally. She wanted to break up with me so I kicked her out of the house. :D

I then went on a 9 month campaign of meeting as many girls as I could so I could find someone who was mentally stronger, more mature and with broader horizons than my ex. I met a lot of good looking girls along the way and was seeing 2 at one time (man that was tricky!) but none of them were a long term thing. I politely broke up with each one before I met somebody really really special. Jesus.

No I'm kidding. I'm not a bible basher by any means, PMSL

However I have met what I would call the perfect woman for me. It took some time, it took a lot of dating, but I've finally met her.

Keep your chin up and you'll be fine.

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Originally Posted by xaero1

I had a horrible break up with my long term ex last year. We'd just moved into a lovely barn conversion property with her horse in stables next door. The dog loved the fields all around. She had it easy, only paying 25% of the rent and nothing towards any food, bills, council tax or anything else. However, I had to work in the US on and off for a while and she simply couldn't deal with it - claiming I never did anything for her and I wasn't supporting her emotionally. She wanted to break up with me so I kicked her out of the house. :D

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Not to the emphasis off Dreads issue, but did she actually try and discuss her 'issues' with you? Or did she go into rampage mode and try to break things up?

Thank you everyone, especially for sharing other stories. Yeah, I don't think it was wrong to break up with her. Just hard. She didn't cry or anything, just suddenly talked about her history on this stuff. And lots of cold frowns from someone who just isn't finding what she wants in life.

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Originally Posted by Lor

Not to the emphasis off Dreads issue, but did she actually try and discuss her 'issues' with you? Or did she go into rampage mode and try to break things up?

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Yeah, but she only discussed it during my FINAL 6 week spell away, 2 weeks from the end. She started leaning on the shoulder of a 'friend' for support and I reckon she cheated on me which is why she became so utterly uncommital to trying to work things out. I was bitter at the time, but in the long run the bloke actually did me a favour.

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Originally Posted by xaero1

Yeah, but she only discussed it during my FINAL 6 week spell away, 2 weeks from the end. She started leaning on the shoulder of a 'friend' for support and I reckon she cheated on me which is why she became so utterly uncommital to trying to work things out. I was bitter at the time, but in the long run the bloke actually did me a favour.

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Quite the blessing in disguise indeed.

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

I think that's what bother's me the most. That I might part of some chain of bad experiences for her.

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If that's going to be her pattern in relationships, it's not your fault or mess to clean. But you can still offer your friendship if you're worried about her emotional stability. After her break-up she probably needed a good friend more than another lover, anyway.

(And yes, Lexapro has some nasty side effects that can make things worse.)

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Originally Posted by xaero1

Yeah, but she only discussed it during my FINAL 6 week spell away, 2 weeks from the end. She started leaning on the shoulder of a 'friend' for support and I reckon she cheated on me which is why she became so utterly uncommital to trying to work things out. I was bitter at the time, but in the long run the bloke actually did me a favour.

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It sounds like things did work out for the best. Do you speak with her at all?

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Originally Posted by GGT

If that's going to be her pattern in relationships, it's not your fault or mess to clean. But you can still offer your friendship if you're worried about her emotional stability. After her break-up she probably needed a good friend more than another lover, anyway.

(And yes, Lexapro has some nasty side effects that can make things worse.)

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Have you observed/heard of any particular side effects with Lexapro and relationships? I'm just curious. It's hard to sort between the things you read online and what's generally observed in the field.

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

Have you observed/heard of any particular side effects with Lexapro and relationships? I'm just curious. It's hard to sort between the things you read online and what's generally observed in the field.

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It can cause hostility or lower impulse control in certain people. It's supposed to work on anxiety and depression at same time, but can have paroxysmal increase in those things.

When I took it, there were neuro side effects (maybe related to nor-epinephrine, I don't know). It's also fairly expensive.

Time for a medication joke.

Woman says to her doctor, "You need to get me off these meds, or cut them in half, or something."

Doc asks why, isn't she feeling better?

"Oh yes, I feel great! The problem is I still live with an abusive sonofabitch alcoholic, but now I tolerate him."

Hehe, I have gone through break ups so bad I actually sort of blogged them because I couldn't deal with the stresses.

To make two long stories very short; break up is a concept that doesn't go well with my personality. In the long run I manage to fake it; meaning that I act as if I accept the break up but in reality I don't. The world 'ex' rolls off my tongue like I mean it, but it's really just a big lie.

After 1.5 years I am still not fully over the last episode :D

Oh, I refuse to take pills for my chronic depression; they just turn me in some sort of zombie, killing off the one thing in life that I do enjoy seriously (sex).

It's hard, but necessary, Dread. Not a nice thing to have to go through.

Had a few break ups in my time but one sticks in my mind that I can sort of laugh at now but had a bit of a breakdown at the time.

Was my first real love, around 11 years ago. She was an older woman in the office I worked in. We had a fiery and passionate relationship for 15 months. Toward the end, as she was falling out of love with me, I began to realise how much I loved her. Sucked. She dumped me, amicably enough.

As we worked in the same building we still kept in touch and I was ok with that. But then I heard through the grapevine that she had started seeing this guy, some photographer for a magazine. This sent me mental. As I worked in the IT department, I started reading her emails at this point. This would have me sacked on the spot if anyone found out, and is quite possibly rather illegal too, but I couldn't help myself.

Of course her and this new fella of hers were swapping some very flirty and sexy emails, over which I would get distraught. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, and ended up in an awful state. I started seeing other girls then, but didn't treat them well; all I could think of was the girl I believed I still loved and had been abandoned by.

At a later time, at an office get together in a club near Oxford Circus in Soho, when I was coming to terms with things, she was there and this photographer fella of hers shows up. I was okay with it. I was talking to her, and she was being very flirty as is her nature. I think her fella knew I was an ex and took exception to this; came up out of nowhere and punched me in the face. :|

Bouncers pounced on him immediately and threw him out. I didn't have a chance to react I was so shocked. Withstood it though. :)

Only time in my life I've been punched.

Hindsight - we were totally totally totally unsuited, used to argue all the time (which is highly unusual for me), and we were at completely different times in our lives. There was clearly no future there, not that you accept that at the time. I also wonder if the depth of my feeling was indeed lust rather than love, as we had total chemistry. A bit of both perhaps.

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Originally Posted by Hazir

Oh, I refuse to take pills for my chronic depression; they just turn me in some sort of zombie, killing off the one thing in life that I do enjoy seriously (sex).

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Depends on the med, depends on the person. Lots of SSRIs have 'sexual side effects' but they can also unleash inhibitions in certain people. That's where those warnings about unusual behaviors like gambling, increased sexual activity, or risk-taking come into play. It can be dangerous---take a depressed person and give them a bit of 'euphoria'---judgement can fly out the window. End up with post-break-up vulnerable people out there looking to hook-up or have random sex, fun fun! Alcohol also changes the body chemistry on pills.

I swear, many men just take a Viagra to override their anti-depressant's shift in libido . Ticking time bombs. :(

ping Timbuk---how close are you to approaching "mid-life"? ;)

Sounds like you're missing some old days of studliNess and thrill, more than the relationship itself?

Hmmmm ... well I don't know if one has more passion when one is in one's mid-20s. Perhaps. I was certainly a randy little bugger in them there days.

As for mid-life, pfff. I'm in denial, remember.

Yep it was a thrilling relationship. She was gorgeous, rich, successful, established, intelligent, sexy as hell.
I was a naiive young kid on the first rung of my career ladder who'd never had a serious girlfriend before. :D

But I don't know if I 'miss it' as such. I look back on that time and smile, smile at the things we did and smile at the person I was then. :)

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So no break-up stories from you then Gee?

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Originally Posted by Timbuk2

Hmmmm ... well I don't know if one has more passion when one is in one's mid-20s. Perhaps. I was certainly a randy little bugger in them there days.

As for mid-life, pfff. I'm in denial, remember.

Yep it was a thrilling relationship, she was gorgeous, rich, successful, intelligent, sexy as hell.
I was a naiive young kid who'd never had a serious girlfriend before. :D

But I don't know if I 'miss it' as such. I look back on that time and smile, smile at the things we did and smile at the person I was then. :)

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So no break-up stories from you then Gee?

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Well, that's one thing I miss as I get older--the passion and energy I had in my 20s, and the people who knew me then. My ex is one of them, we have a loooong history.

My stories are all over the map, almost makes me chuckle to remember how Invincible youth used to feel. :)

I had an exciting fling with a much younger man once, it would never have lasted even tho we were quite compatible. We both had too much emotional baggage with kids on different coasts, and exes. Add age differences and it was just too much to overcome.

Dating isn't very fun in mid-life. It's either shallow and temporary, or too intense as make-it-or-leave-it matchmaking. :(

Invincible youth. Indeed, very apt terminology. :up:

lol at the younger man. There's certainly something to be said for an older woman. :)

Know exactly what you mean about the mid-life dating thing (not that I'm at mid-life yet you understand :mad:).
Since I broke up with my fiancée nearly two years ago now and dealt with the prolonged fallout from that, I've been thrown back on the dating game, with temporary successes and unexciting failures.

It's hard to escape the nagging feeling that you're left on the heap somewhat, while others get on with their relationships, getting married, squeezing out puppies etc. It dents one's confidence. Or it does mine at least.

So you steel yourself to getting on with single life, maintaining friendships, working, picking up new hobbies, and you never know what's around the corner.

In that regard I met a lovely lady last weekend (in a nightclub of all places :|), and we've been chatting non-stop since. Saw her again last night, which is perhaps why I'm in a contemplative mood today. She's the one I'm taking to see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the theatre tomorrow, as a surprise. Got a whole day and evening planned - hope she likes it.

~

How do you date? Online agencies? Meet people through going out with friends?

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So you steel yourself to getting on with single life, maintaining friendships, working, picking up new hobbies, and you never know what's around the corner.

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Yup, pretty much. Having a relationship as a "goal" is one of those nebulous counter-productive goals. Hope your date is fun, don't think about "what if", that gets in the way! :haha:

I don't date any more. Had enough blind dates and fix-ups. I figure once I'm totally happy and content in my single life, not thinking about romance at all, some one will show up and change all the variables. :mad:

It was fun being the older woman tho, highly recommend that for everyone at least once. ;)

Do you think that the older you get the more desperate you are, and it shows? I don't mean to offend or upset anyone just curious to why it could be harder the older you get.

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Originally Posted by Dreadnaught

I just broke up with someone and it was rough. Was seeing someone a bit casually for a month. We were sleeping together and it was great...possibly even better than our emotional connection. I just couldn't emotionally connect with this girl and couldn't keep on sleeping with/spending time with someone without that connection. I suspected she felt the same; how could she think this was working?

So tonight I have the conversation and it turns out she has a long history of mild social anxiety disorder. And she got out of a very long relationship six months ago and has felt adrift since until she met me. She takes Lexapro for the SAD...which explains why I had trouble connecting with her. But in fact she liked me a lot. :|

I feel freaking awful. On one hand, I'm really not a good match for someone who is so subdued. I tend to be loud and all over the place. But I feel terrible that she liked me (we did get along after all) and I just crushed it.

Anyone here have any bad breakups they want to share (either side of the table)?

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A subdued person needs a dose of self confidence, not a break up.
My bet is that breakup would increase her future subduedness.

Why do you say you have a poor emotional connection?
If you grow and she grows as a human, you have a nice relationship.
If I am correct it is not that anyone feels resentment.

The only reason that could lead to breakup is resentment or incompatible life plans (for example, a man who likes to travel across the world and a woman who wants a home and to settle down in a single place).
But if it is about lack of personal growth, it can be fixed, and it requires communication.

When I met my wife she was so fearful and subdued, but now she is more confident, and I can proudly say that I helped her.
She also helped me in other aspects of relationship and personal aspects of myself.
There is personal growth and this is what matters.
It may have started like a relationship of codependence, but I turned into a path where we share our happiness.

When she is upset, a hug may calm her down.
When she was not selfconfident, I reinforced her idea that I was not going to leave.

I have a question. Was this girl abandoned at some point of her childhood?
My wife was, since she was premature, and she had to spend 2 months in an incubator alone when she was a baby.
It has been a long road to help her to recover. She is now more autonomous, independent than when we married.
And she does not fear so much nowadays. Being supportive and encouraging her to challenge herself, and also affection, caring, reassuring that she can count on me, made a difference.

In past relationships I always tried to improve things, so if we breakup she should be a better person. Indeed all my exgirls are friends of mine, no resentment, because despite of the breakup they felt I tried to make them to have personal growth and I tried to help them to achieve their own life plans. All except one, but she was a crazy woman who used not to commit.

One exgirl I really loved was unfaithful, and years later we met and ended up being friends.

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Originally Posted by Lor

Do you think that the older you get the more desperate you are, and it shows? I don't mean to offend or upset anyone just curious to why it could be harder the older you get.

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If that was directed toward me....no, it's the other way around, actually. I'm not desperate.

I already have two children and my own home, with a very nice lifestyle. I don't need a third dependent, or an adult who acts like a child, or expects me to take care of him. Don't need a father for my kids, their dad is in town just a couple of miles away. Also don't need a man who needs to be needed, to take care of me, or treat me like a lost waif. Or a man who's looking for a woman to mother his children from a previous marriage.

I have a small group of friends or companions, to hang out with when I want, or my sister a couple of hours away. No problem to see a show or go out to dinner, either alone or with them, if that's what my mood is. I do most things alone, it's just easier that way. I do get lonely, though. Mostly late at night if I have insomnia, or get sick.

Pretty difficult given my generation and some of our ideas of roles, and whatnot.

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Originally Posted by GGT

Time for a medication joke.

Woman says to her doctor, "You need to get me off these meds, or cut them in half, or something."

Doc asks why, isn't she feeling better?

"Oh yes, I feel great! The problem is I still live with an abusive sonofabitch alcoholic, but now I tolerate him."

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Here's a better medical joke:

Man is at the doctors complaining of chest pain.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Man: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!!



Haha, I'm funny.

I'm very much part of the 'You're dead to me' group with regards to ex girlfriends. No matter how amicable and civil the relationship/break up was, I'll delete you from my Phone/Facebook etc etc. You'll never hear from me again. People who say 'Oh, we can be friends' no no no you absolutely cannot. You're never friends, and if you are, it's just strained and turgid. I prefer to just cut off and forget about it. Funnily enough, the last couple of girlfriends have called me up, months or years later, saying they miss me and want me back. My reply was always 'Sorry, who is this?' :D

Actually, might have a jammy situation soon. An ex girlfriend of mine that I was with for 3 years somehow found out I was going to be a dad, and went into jealous overdrive. She sent me 2 emails, a text, a voicemail, a facebook private message and she called me, all saying congratulations and things of that sort. She was asking for my address too so she could send me and Sharon a card, or possibly just stalk us/murder us in our sleep. I said yeah I'll text it to you and never did. All well and good until yesterday, when I walked out of my house, when one of her old housemates was going into next doors house. Turns out I live next to her fucking aunt :picard: And now stalker ex is gonna know where I live.

Hold me

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Originally Posted by GGT

If that was directed toward me....no, it's the other way around, actually. I'm not desperate.

I already have two children and my own home, with a very nice lifestyle. I don't need a third dependent, or an adult who acts like a child, or expects me to take care of him. Don't need a father for my kids, their dad is in town just a couple of miles away. Also don't need a man who needs to be needed, to take care of me, or treat me like a lost waif. Or a man who's looking for a woman to mother his children from a previous marriage.

I have a small group of friends or companions, to hang out with when I want, or my sister a couple of hours away. No problem to see a show or go out to dinner, either alone or with them, if that's what my mood is. I do most things alone, it's just easier that way. I do get lonely, though. Mostly late at night if I have insomnia, or get sick.

Pretty difficult given my generation and some of our ideas of roles, and whatnot.

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One common mistake in codependant relations... when people says "I love you" their partners understand "my partner said that will take care of my happiness". This idea forgets the idea of personal growth and sharing happiness, because the responsibility of happiness is delegated.

In the case of my wife I knew that I did not cause her experience in the incubator, but I understood this experience was too strong to be put aside. So I started to help her to overcome this, step by step. It is not that I took care of her happiness. It is that I shared my happiness with her, and she learned to be happier. Codependence is about blaming your partner for not making you happy, love is about sharing your happiness with your partner.

We all have "bags" of emotional needs that are empty. One bag could belong to dad, another to mom, another one belongs to brothers, and so on. The only bag I can fully fulfill is the partner bag. The other ones were not empty because of me, but the growth process I try to encourage is to assist her so she can fill other bags and be happier. So in the end I support her process of her, filling her own bags, but I do not fill them because I just can't. I can't fill her bag of the loneliness of incubator, but I can make her know that I will be there, and that this experience does not need to be repeated and I am not leaving anytime soon.

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The only bag I can fully fulfill is the partner bag.

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O'rly. The rest of your post sounds like you need her to need you, talk about codependency.

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Originally Posted by DecoyMilk

Here's a better medical joke:

Man is at the doctors complaining of chest pain.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Man: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!!

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:haha:

Eeeeeh that cracked me up that did.

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Originally Posted by GGT

O'rly. The rest of your post sounds like you need her to need you, talk about codependency.

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No. I like to leave the house cleaner than when I came in.
We never know how long a relation will last, but I always make sure I leave a better person than the one I found.
Indeed, she needs me less today, and she loves me more.

She likes to cook. In the past she was cooking because she did not want me to leave (because of her fears before we married).
Nowadays she cooks because she finds challenging to do some chef cooking, like a form of high culture arts.
My presence there is limited to art criticism. Nowadays she spends more time in her personal projects and she enjoys more freedom from her fears.

She does not love me because she needs me, but she needs me because she loves me.
Loving is a choice, and needing prevents people from truly loving.

Jealousy is a sign of codependence. In the past she was quite jealous.
At work in the last months I used to have a cute girl next to my desk, and she does not feel jealousy anymore. This girl who could work as a fashion model. I do not go to work to flirt or anything like that. I just go to finish my work. She knows that now.

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Originally Posted by ar81

No. I like to leave the house cleaner than when I came in.
We never know how long a relation will last, but I always make sure I leave a better person than the one I found.
Indeed, she needs me less today, and she loves me more.

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Ego trip. :rolleyes:

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She does not love me because she needs me, but she needs me because she loves me.
Loving is a choice, and needing prevents people from truly loving.

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Make up your mind. :rolleyes: