Not ego, I just feel it.
If she needed me, I'd feel less freedom.
Couldn't it be that you do not think no codependence could exist?
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Not ego, I just feel it.
If she needed me, I'd feel less freedom.
Couldn't it be that you do not think no codependence could exist?
Just because you can "feel it" doesn't mean it's not ego-driven.
One good concept this brings up is how people determine Happiness, Freedom, and Need in relationships. Two out of three 'aint bad?
I think the concept of need will always exist. You need your kids, I need my wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by GGT
But how you need is what matters.
I can live without my wife, and I can be happy without her, but I have chosen to be with her.
She is not forcing me to make her happy, I do it because I like it.
She does not need me because she fears to be abandoned anymore, because she gained self confidence.
HOW you need is what matters? hmm Perhaps at the onset of a relationship, yes, but not necessarily over time---let's ask some couples who've been together a while when one becomes pregnant by surprise, or severely ill, even terminal. Self-confidence is no guarantee someone will stick around during times of need, ya know, but trust.
:haha:Quote:
Originally Posted by DecoyMilk
I'm on good terms with most of my exes, the ones I still encounter that is, and pretty decent friends with two. Then again I'm young and most breakups were from not too serious relations. My last breakup was pretty painful to me, the relation was more serious for me than for her too I think. If she had broken off contact initially that'd have been fine with me, if painful, but she was actually nice at first. Keeping contact, adding that she thought we could get back some time, that she still wanted sex with me, all made it pretty confusing to me, and then out of the blue she started to ignore me without explanation. Spoke to her one time since, and she said she wasn't ignoring me (though she has blocked me, doest text back when I texted her for her birthday and wishing her a happy new year, didn't email back when I tried to get back in touch). I'm slightly unhappy with this, she was a nice girl and it sucks we don't keep in touch. Looking back I definitely see it was a doomed relation, we really didn't fit well, but it'd be nice if we could be friends. Oh well, her loss.
Before I married I was doing some research on couples that were married for very long, including a man and a woman who were married for 85 years, and also a man who was happily married for 35 years.Quote:
Originally Posted by GGT
They said:
-When resentment gets into the relationship, it kills love. Do not let it get in.
-Sometimes there are things that are greater than us, so we need God in the relationship.
-The trick to keep the smile is to remind ech other every day that they love each other, as if it was the first day.
I also did some research on cases of counselling by the Family Service Association of America (FSAA).
Lebensunwertes Leben right thereQuote:
Sometimes there are things that are greater than us, so we need God in the relationship.
Back to Dread. He posted (somewhere, but I don't remember where) about the chances he might find a woman to carry 20 of his children, and continue his gene pool, but he wondered about hers--and how the odds would play out.
IVF and surrogate wombs and nannies comes to mind. Then he could have his "calculated" children, even using pre-natal genome testing to see if they're "flawed" in some way, and selectively terminate as needed. Surrogates could be interviewed and agree to certain diet/exercise/environmental regimes. They'd disappear after birth. Nannies could be an extension of carefully constructed behavioral molding and modeling, just like tutors or teachers.
Then he'd be "Free" to date anyone and everyone. Partnership wouldn't be fraught with fear of "defective" babies or neurotic mothers, or wives incompatible over time. "Romantic Love" would be in one compartment, and "Family Love" in another; they could intermingle but never interfere with the other. No need for promises, sexual trysts or betrayal of trust; no need for marriage, and no need for divorce. Changing partners every decade or so would be as easy as changing careers or moving house. Expected, normal, understood.
Clean 'n Easy. For him, at least.
You can't blame this person... She is 100 years old.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nessus
She says things as she understands it.
She had more than 10 sons and 2 of them died.
Just to play a little Devil's Advocate:
What's wrong with being needed? What's wrong with being wanted?
I realize it's not for everyone, but sometimes it's nice to know that you make someone's life a little brighter, and vice versa.
I've been accused of having too positive an outlook on life, but still, isn't there some value in that?
The problem of being too positive is that you may get ionized... :D
Hmmm.. well.. yes, it's great, at times. And it makes me feel good too when I worked my wonders again with somebody. But, you know, sometimes, every now and then, you don't want to be the grown up who takes care of everything, you want to be the child that's taken care of.Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgrrl
But ... you've kinda narrowed men down here to a particularly small and needy type. A man who seems to be dependent on you or can't look after himself really.Quote:
Originally Posted by GGT
Rather than just a regular fella who might like you for you?
Exactly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgrrl
Doesn't everyone want that, at least sometimes?Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgrrl
Being positive is good, as long as it doesn't make you too trustworthy or naive :)Quote:
I've been accused of having too positive an outlook on life, but still, isn't there some value in that?
Well, I'd like to think, that there are times when you are needed, and other times when you need someone to help you. A give and take sort of thing. It equals out in the end. We all have our strengths, and weaknesses, and if you have someone in your life that can be the counterpart to those traits it can work well. Ying and yang. And it can constantly change and evolve overtime, as the longer you are with someone the more you know about those traits, and can help where needed. And vice versa.
I guess its more like symbiosis.
Maybe I just can't accept the coldness and sterile aspects of life. I could survive that way, but would only survive, not really live. And I'm not just talking about romance, I mean companionship in general. Even in friendships there is the give and take, and it makes life go a little better. At least for me.
Blah. I don't think I can put the idea into words; not really my specialty. :p
And though I try to be positive, I am a realist. I can spot a liar; I'm not naive in the personal part of life. I can tell when a person isn't to be trusted, and has a low moral compass. I'm not going to waste my time on those who prey on others, and use them up, and cast them aside. I rarely let people that close to my heart; when I do, it's after I've been around them for a long time, and have a pretty good judge of their intentions.
I agree. if there is only taking or only giving it won't last, for both friendship and romance. There's only so much you can take from a friend until he just becomes an annoyance who never does anything for you.
My divorce has left me jaded, obviously. Overcoming trust issues isn't so easy as it sounds, at least not for me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Timbuk2
Some break-ups can cause a lot of damage, even tho breaking up can be the right thing to do. :(
True, Flixy. I've "broken up" with certain friends who did nothing but drain me from all of their drama. Not worth it.
I guess I really haven't been emotionally hurt since high school, so I can't pretend to know what true heartbreak is. So, I can sympathize that it could completely ruin one's outlook.
Divorce comes when resentment is too intense, and by that time divorce is the best solution so you do not kill each other.Quote:
Originally Posted by GGT
I know it, my parents got divorced, and my rebel side told me I should be different. It was not ego, it was my desire to be a rebel that made me to look for a better way to get along.
This is why I was a rebel against mental schemes and learned patterns, and I had to create a new form of relationship.
Not only I needed to prove myself that they were wrong, but also I intended to teach them that there is a better way.
I think they learned. My dad has a far better relationship with his current wife, and my mom had a boyfriend and she got a better relationship until he died of heart attack due to a previous condition.
Your case, where separation was the best solution, is not the case of Dread and his girl.
Resentment kills love, so you must not let it in.
This was an important lesson from a 100 year old married woman.
You could see her and her husband, apologizing toward each other after a fight. Things were said that were not meant to be said.
She and her husband got married very young, and they got to overcome the immaturity, but they both had good feelings.
You could see a strong will in them to make it work.