Or does it just feel that way sometimes?

(Taking this out of Aimless's thread about treatment approaches so this can be about our expressions)

The first time I noticed something was different, I couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. I'd make my bed and arrange stuffed animals just so. My blinds had to be at the same level. My shoes had to be in pairs, lined up neatly. My sisters used to call me a Priss.

By the time I was in first grade, I'd make my bed, being sure everything was "even". The blanket had to hang the same length on each side, the dust ruffle couldn't touch the ground in just one place. I must have spent several minutes "tidying" my room.

When I went to school and learned to write, all the letters had to be perfect. Not for my teacher or for my grade, but because.....well, I wanted it to look right. I also didn't want to go through erasers, so my penmanship was slow and perfect. In math class I was concerned about getting the solution right, plus having a perfect paper free of stray marks or erasures. It wasn't enough to get it right, it had to look right. I spent a lot of time "evening things out".



By then, I was also arranging my food during meals, so it evened out on the p late and nothing touched each other (stews and mixed dishes were okay though). I used to play a mind game with swallowing my milk, and started counting things. One bite is six chews and two swallows, it all had to come out even, that kind of thing.

I couldn't fall asleep unless my bedding "felt" even. Sometimes I'd re-make my bed just so I could sleep. (Slumber parties and summer camp weren't so fun.) Pretty soon I was re-arranging furniture at 2am, trying to balance out the room. My folks used to think I was creative instead of obsessed.....

By this time I was a swimmer, and that felt great! I could count strokes and breaths, play games in my head, try to even out each side of my body's muscles, switch sides for breathing. Even follow veteran swimmers stroke for stroke, pull harder, stay even, keep up.

About that time it felt "right" to swallow food on channel 4 if we ate dinner while watching tv. Or any other even channel number. These were the kinds of things I felt compelled to do. It simply felt good. If I couldn't do that, I'd count my steps (always even). I began counting words in my head, then letters in each word, trying to make it all even out. Poetry and meter and music felt good.

I couldn't part my hair on the side or wear a watch. My whole body had to feel evenly weighted. If I wore a ring on the left hand, there had to be a ring on the right hand, same finger. One sock sagging or one riding edge of my underpants would drive me nuts. I spent a lot of time tying my shoelaces so each foot felt "even".

Anyway, you get the point. I suspected no one else was doing these things (why would they?) so it was something I kept secret. Took a lot of energy to do all this, it was exhausting really. That's when I knew it was abnormal, and probably not good to keep it secret either....but I was just a little girl....