My mother has cancer.

[Angel_Mapper]

I just found out Thursday. Stage 4 breast cancer. It's spread to her liver and three places in her spine. The mass in her upper spine has broken two bones which caused the pain that sent her to the hospital where they diagnosed it, and she's in a neck brace for it. I am so fucking scared right now.

[termite]

[RandBlade]

:hug:

[GGT]

[NGS]

:hug:

+1. So sorry to hear it, AM.

[Kazuha Vinland]

Sorry to hear about that. Every instance of cancer is a different case in how severe it is, but getting a prognosis that late is awfully unfortunate. I lost a classmate during middle school which was nothing short of terrible, while I've on the contrary also seen cases of brave recovery from people considered physically fragile. Having to prepare for the worst, while hoping for the best, will be tough. Hang in there!

[earthJoker]

[Supermarioman]

I know my condolences won't help, but I'm really, really sorry.

I'll be praying for your mother to get well.

[Bitter Jeweler]

<hug>

[BalticSailor]

Sorry to hear it, Angel.

[Dreadnaught]

I just found out Thursday. Stage 4 breast cancer. It's spread to her liver and three places in her spine. The mass in her upper spine has broken two bones which caused the pain that sent her to the hospital where they diagnosed it, and she's in a neck brace for it. I am so fucking scared right now.

That's terrible. I've never heard of cancer breaking spinal bones.

Are they suggesting any treatments you think have good chances?

[evenstar]

Oh Angel, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know I don't post on here a lot, but I went through this with my mother two years ago, so if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me. Hang in there.

[Lebanese Dragon]

Very sorry to hear this, Angel, reading sad events today . You'll both be in my thought and prayers, I genuinely hope for the best, and feel free to post here, or talk to anyone you feel comfortable with. I'm always availabel if you need to vent, though Evenstar probably better than me.

[oldmunchkin]

Angel, you know where to IM, PM, or e-mail me if you just wanna vent! I am sooooo sorry about this! Just remember, a good attitude does go a hell of a long ways with fighting serious illnesses! Keep her smiling and as positive as possible!

[Lor]

:hug:

[Ziggy Stardust]

So sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you Angel.

[']['ear]

Oh, sweetie. I am so, so very sorry.

[Angel_Mapper]

Thanks guys. She's getting her first radiation treatment today so we'll see how it goes. I appreciate all the support.

[Flixy]

Good luck

[GGT]

Thanks guys. She's getting her first radiation treatment today so we'll see how it goes. I appreciate all the support.

And remember....Elizabeth Edwards had class IV breast cancer and lived several years after her initial diagnosis. She had surgery, chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards. (My personal opinion is that she'd have lived much longer in remission, if it hadn't been for the stress of her public life and philandering husband.....)

Just because the cancer was found at a later stage doesn't mean it's an immediate death sentence. Science and med-tech has made soooo many leaps forward, even from a couple of years ago. Being diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010/2011 is the best time (if there ever was a good time )

Some older acquaintances of mine have lived a decade or longer, with breast or colon or prostate cancers. About twenty years ago a co-worker of mine learned her mom had metastatic lung cancer, after she broke her wrist picking up a recipe book. Even then, she lived another decade minus one lung and cancer slowly growing in her bones. Long enough to meet her grandkids, make arrangements, take some trips....and she was content if not happy. Chemo and radiation (she may have had a bone marrow transplant, I can't remember), those things eventually became part of her routine of life. Just like walking the dog 'til it poops, scooping the cat's litter box.

We all might test our blood pressure or blood glucose, swallow vitamins or prescription meds, stand on a scale, undergo a weight-loss diet or a strength-gaining program. We all do these things thinking it makes us healthier, even though cancer can be slowly growing inside us anyway. I say this in case your mom is feeling guilty. Maybe she delayed a mammogram (that won't prevent breast cancer, ya know) or is wishing she never took birth control pills or estrogen hormones or should have breast-fed or lost weight or.....any number of those "risk" factors we've only recently learned about.

Angel, try to help your mom not blame herself for having cancer. It's one of those newer things in our fast-paced world---cancer patients feeling guilty or responsible for their illness. Or feeling bad it wasn't "caught" in early stages. Shoulda-woulda-coulda is one of the first things that's hard to let go. Remind her it's not her fault, she doesn't deserve cancer, it's not a punishment from God or her lifestyle, or any of that other stuff that the human mind creates to understand why bad things sometimes happen to good people.

You can learn a lot about cancer and its treatment modalities on the web. It's good to be informed. But it's also good to let her oncologists, surgeons, radiologists and other professionals do what they do best. Realize that one of our main healthcare gaps is in emotional support, mental health, holistic therapies for the patient. Be her hand-holder, her listening shoulder, her soft and safe place, her comforter, her daughter.

[Hazir]

Hi A_M, sorry to hear about this. I wish you all the strength you will need in this time. If you're going to be involved in the communication with the care givers, make sure they speak the same language as you. And by that I mean, not just that they speak english, but that when they give you an opinion that opinion uses words in the same way you would use those words and nor an arcane medical meaning of the words that merely blurs reality.

Hearing what sounds as a death sentence of a loved one and then having to live between fear and hope is one of the hardest things we can experience in our lives.

[Aimless]

I'm very sorry to hear this Angel hope you guys are being well cared for

[GGT]

That's great advice, Hazir. Something providers often overlook, the language. Angel, don't be afraid to keep asking "What does that mean?" or saying "Repeat what you just said, without medical jargon." Sorry to say this, but try to make the doctors sit down when they talk to you. Pull up a chair and say out loud, "Here doctor, please sit down" Sometimes they'll talk longer while sitting down, even if they have a horrible bedside manner. It's best to talk face-to-face at eye level, not standing in the corridor.

[GGT]

Angel, some other suggestions that may help out. If they haven't told you yet, ask if your mom has a Primary Care Nurse, or a Case Manager. That would be one main person who stays with your mom over the course of her treatment, to provide continuity and coordination. Some places use primary care plus a team approach, some places are strictly team providers. You'll need to know if any ONE person is on top of the many physicians and treatments and medications.

[Hazir]

That's great advice, Hazir. Something providers often overlook, the language. Angel, don't be afraid to keep asking "What does that mean?" or saying "Repeat what you just said, without medical jargon." Sorry to say this, but try to make the doctors sit down when they talk to you. Pull up a chair and say out loud, "Here doctor, please sit down" Sometimes they'll talk longer while sitting down, even if they have a horrible bedside manner. It's best to talk face-to-face at eye level, not standing in the corridor.

Let me give an example from last week. Wednesday night I was considering if I could go home. The question was on everybody's mind. My nephew was talking with the doctor in charge at the ICU and asked him what his prognostics were for the night. The answer boiled down to a very opaque, 'Well, your mother is stable but the situation is not good'. My nephew then asked him: 'Let's put it this way. If it were your mother in that ICU, would you go home tonight?. The answer was a simple 'no, I would not go home'.

Later I understood why he said that while saying she was 'stable'. The truth was that she wasn't stable at all, her condition was deteriorating rapidly, but whatever they were pumping into her body was keeping things like heart rate, blood pressure etc at roughly the same stable level for an extended period.

[oldmunchkin]

Great advice on the "make them TALK to you" from everyone!

I remember asking a doctor, when my Dad was in the hospital the last time, "If Mom goes to BFE and gets clean clothes, talks to her boss, pays the bills, etc, will Dad still be here when she gets back to Casper tomorrow" Doctor said, "You Dad is stable and fine." Later on that day, I found out they were not giving him his narcolepsy meds, which...considering he had been on straight amphetamines for over 25 years, caused horrific withdrawl and such. I chased that asshole down and asked him straight out..."Dude, this is MY Daddy, do you really wanna piss me off? Then speak REAL English." After that, that guy left out all the bullshit medical jargon and started talking so that those of us who are NOT doctors, could understand what the fuck he just said!

Point being, stand your ground, make sure she isn't afraid to make her primary care team isn't afraid to give her the straight story, and MAKE THEM STICK WITH IT!!

WARNING: Personal anecdote ahead!

When I was somewhere in grade/middle school, a good friend of mine's Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. No one gave Norm 3 years! That was somewhere in the 1970's. I went to work for Norm and his wife in 1983, and worked for him and Cathy for almost 4 years. In 1988, he chocked to death on a turkey bone at Thanksgiving!

MOM Tommi had stage 3 lung cancer, and stage 3 or 4 esophagus cancer. She died of something else entirely. Be damned if I can think of the name right now, but Daddy died of the same thing! (An aneurism maybe?)


Point is...Cancer is NOT a death sentence! Give her love, support, (whether moral, emotional, financial, whatever) LOVE her, be there for her, and remember...she is (at least if she is anything like you) stronger than this and will do her damnedest to get thru it!

Again, I will say it again, if you need me, you know where/how to find me. If you want my phone number, just let me know and I will be happy to talk to you anytime! Love you sweetie!