There is too much drama in this family

[Hazir]

No validation needed, just tips.

1. sister a

Has a bad taste in men, since she seems unable to hook up with somebody who doesn't have a problem with alcohol. Her first husband died some 20 years ago. Today her second husband was found dead in the trailer he lived in after she told him to either sober up and change his ways or get ready for a divorce (good step that, I have to admit). My oldest sister called me with that news just some minutes ago.

Now, of course I will have to contact sister a and offer my condoleances etc. But to be honest, I don't really care that he died. I hardly knew him at all and the few occasions I happened upon him he was too far gone to have a decent conversation. Wondering what the absolute minimum is I can get away with without hurting the feelings of my sister too much.

2. sister b

Broke up 18 years ago with a real nice guy. Then got married to a man 18 years older. Now, 18 years later again she has decided to divorce her husband. After that decision somehow she ran into her ex again and now they are on a vacation together in Spain to sort of see if they could pick things up again from where they left them 18 years ago.

I know it's not really relevant if I have an opinion about that or not. But how to react in a way that nobody gets offended?

[GGT]

Write a book or movie screen play. People love to read about or watch bits of their lives they can relate to, on the big screen with a known actor it suddenly becomes acceptable to have a fucked up family or a fucked up personal life. I've been saying this to munchkin for years. I see no reason why people shouldn't profit from their fucked up lives. It makes the rest of us feel grateful for having only a semi-fucked-up life!

[Ominous Gamer]

sister a. Your condoleances are for your sister. Not for the dead man. Highly unlikely you were the only one who didn't take a liking to him. Be there for your family. If you're trying to find words that won't offend her, you're coming at this thing from the wrong angle. Your sister was trying to correct the shortcomings in her decisions and she may now have the weight of a dead man on her shoulders.

sister b. Whats the issue here that would cause you to react in a possibly offending manner?

[GGT]

Gah, I hope my previous post wasn't too harsh, Hazir. I think maybe it was, but damage done. I remember now (too late) that you had some issue with flying a deceased family member over seas for burial. So you've had a lot of loss and grief lately. I'm sorry I posted in haste and was glib. Please forgive me and just ignore my forum impulsive jerkdom.

[Aimless]

Re. the first sister, ask her how she's feeling and what she's thinking. How's she holding up? As OG says, your condolences and support are for her not for her husband. If there is a genuine need to say something more difficult and more rational then maybe it's best to wait a while.

I hope she doesn't feel cursed or guilty or something

[Hazir]

Damn, all I should do is pick up a phone and tell her blah blah, sorry to hear this news blah blah. But I simply can't get myself to do that.

[Hazir]

Thank God for bad coverage and voicemail. I told her 'Hi it's me, I heard the news; I can understand it must have been a real shock for you to find him today. I'll call you again later. Take care'

[Dreadnaught]

I was going to say send flowers with same-day delivery to avoid having to say something directly, but sounds like you found the solution.

RE the second sister, is there any reason it wouldn't/shouldn't work with the 18-years-ago guy? Are there kids in the picture for either of them?

[Hazir]

No children involved on my sister's part, don't really know about him. I didn't even know that it had gone further than 'running into eachother on a social website by coincidence'. I guess it's going to take some time till that topic comes up in a face to face conversation. So I'll have time to fathom out the waters. As for it working or not working, no idea. I haven't seen him since they split up. Back then he was a nice guy, a lot nicer than the husband that followed.

P.S. flowers before a funeral? That reminds me I should check around what's being arranged for flowers at the funeral (if any).

[Hazir]

Last night two older sisters went there and asked me to come along 'to have a look at the paperwork'. I did come along, had a look at it and tried to get some oversight, then advised her to get an accountant involved since there was such a mesh of retirement plans that it was impossible to tell if he left anything at all. Also decided that next time I am in Istanbul I will have a testament drafted that takes care of the situation with the house there.