How To Be an Asshole on an Internet Forum
How To Be an Asshole on an Internet Forum
So you've just discovered a new interest? Whether it's a video game, an obscure hobby, or a recent purchase, the best place to talk about it is on one of the millions of internet forums with a myriad of like-minded individuals as yourself. But internet forums can be dark and scary places, and of course you don't understand how to be a respectful netizen in this new social community. Also, there's the problem that you're just an asshole, and worry how to convey that in a world without super-liminal sarcasm, wedgies, or crying. Fear not, you righteous little bastard, because this guide will give you a step-by-step tutorial of how to become an innately hated member of an internet community.
So you've booted up your computer, Googled your new interest and found a suitable forum, have you? Well the first thing to do is register so you can begin “contributing” to the likely well-established community. If you're under 13, remember to lie about your age to try to seem mature (which will almost certainly be reflected in your posts). Choosing a name is vitally important to creating the asshole persona you wish to be known for. Recommendations are names in 1337 5P34|< (leet speak, the internet alphabet consisting of numbers and symbols to make nearly every letter) or instantly divisive nicks (ie if you're on a forum for the game Half-Life, make your name “g0rdan_fr33man_5uck5_ass” or “GREATESTPLAYER” (all caps is highly recommended to get your point across as an alternative to italics or bold (remember that (also using highly complicated sentence structure involving a multitude of parentheses is recommended because semi-colons and dashes are gay lol)))).
Now that you've registered, you need to personalize your account. Start with an avatar (the small picture usually under your username that accompanies each of your posts). Animated .gifs are strongly suggested, especially those that flash just enough to induce epileptic seizures. A sig is also critically important to building your reputation as a jerk. This small space of text (or image) is found at the bottom of each post you leave, so it's important to leave other readers with a sour taste in their mouth after reading your posts (assuming your posts haven't been crude enough themselves). If you want to strengthen your maturity, try putting up a quote from the Bible, or maybe some historical figure you Googled whose ideology has absolutely nothing to do with you—Nietzsche on a Biblical forum is highly recommended, and vice-versa!
Okay, so you have a personalized account. The only problem is no one knows who you are! You need to start posting; how or where is not important, what is important is that you get yourself out there. Simple solutions for getting noticed are posting multiple threads (topics for discussion) in multiple sections (most of them the wrong ones, of course) asking for help, introducing yourself, or of something “funny” you found in your 5 minutes on icanhascheezburger.com (lolcats never go out of style) or reddit.com. 4chan material is always good, too. Of course, you don't want to present yourself in a respectable way—you're an asshole, be reasonable!--so you should probably forget about using paragraphs or really punctuation altogether. Alternatively, you can try to pretend you know what you're talking about and use plenty of big words and convoluted sentences to get your point (which is ultimately worthless) across.
Now that people are paying attention and have responded to your posts, you need to carefully not take into consideration anything they say. The community veterans and moderators may point out flaws in your arguments, errors in your spelling and grammar, and—if you're doing this right—multiple netiquette violations. But they don't know who they're talking to! It's up to you to defend yourself, and you can do that in a number of ways, whether it be attacking other members' sexuality, intelligence (the sure bet), or strawman arguments you've invented yourself. Remember to use Hitler as a comparison. Enter into other threads and continue your incessant whining/attacks/spamming—the last of which means posting random, useless, off-topic material that serves no purpose, kind of like you.
Naturally, there are other, more subtle ways to infiltrate a community and slowly build up it's hatred for you, but that won't be covered in this directive—besides, long-term planning and non-instant gratification isn't your style. It's gay lol.
Okay, so you've antagonized the community. Good. Just remember that no one who actually has any poise in life and knows what they're doing cares about you at all, you're just a fly on the wall that they've swatted before; you bring absolutely nothing new to the table. Originality is overrated anyway, it's gay lol. Eventually the moderators and administrators will suspend or ban your account, and you'll be out of luck...or so it seems. You're smart, though, you can just create another account using a different email address. Inconspicuousness is totally out of the question now, you want to let these bastards know you're back with a vengeance. Make your new account a name like “GREATESTPLAYER v2”, “ itz GREATESTPLAYER” or “ GREATESTPLAYER_t3h_2nd” so everyone will be stricken with fear upon witnessing your return.
If you repeat the above steps, you're bound to get IP banned, meaning you won't be able to get on the forum from your computer or home network. Never fear, there are plenty of ways to get around this; get on a computer at school, borrow your sibling/parent/girlfriend's and have a ball. This time, though, it's imperative to keep your cool. Come back with a totally new account; different name, avatar, sig, everything (well, maybe not sig—that Tyler Durden quote from Fight Club is way too cool). Try to be nice, gain everyone's trust back. Maybe once you finally let them know who you really are they'll have buried the hatchet. What you may not realize is that even if you reveal your true identity, people likely won't remember you or won't care. The truth is, you really don't matter, but try not to take that to heart. You just don't matter yet.
Inevitably, out of sheer arrogance or stupidity (really whichever happens first) you'll be unmasked. Upon this moment you should immediately resort to your old ways and go at it with the personal attacks, “winning” every argument you get into with these dumb internet know-it-alls. This isn't to say there isn't a back-up plan; there's a damn good one, in fact. Once you're nearing the brink of getting banned again, create a 4th account (this time, make it different in every...okay most—dammit Tyler Durden is the man—ways) and jump into a thread you've been posting in. Rather than backing yourself up, it's crucial that you begin to attack yourself, quoting and copying things everyone else has already said in order to gain their everlasting admiration. Now that you've ensured the destruction of “PLAYERGREATEST”--they never knew it was you—it's time to restrict your posting to your 4th account, because you're totally a respected member of the community now that you've bashed that asshole.
After creating some seriously worthwhile threads and increasing your post count to 1,069 (lol) you're probably going to get bored. I mean, how much intelligent discussion and witty banter can anyone really take? And if you're on a forum with much older people, it's doubtless their obfuscation and innuendo has flown straight over your head (which probably explains why you think they like you). Your genius posts haven't gotten nearly the amount of attention they deserve, and you're finding it's hard to be appreciated like you know you should be. This brings you to the final step.
It's been months, maybe years depending on how long it took you to think of a suitable way to go out. Whether it's by uploading a picture of a lady's chest that you Googled (which will be instantly removed anyway, so don't bother), posting a big ol' F U or some incoherent rant that people won't understand (most likely because they still have no idea who the hell you are), you've to go out in style. That way everyone will remember the time they messed with you. Because assholes quit, walk away, then stare at themselves in the mirror wondering what they did to inspire such hatred, and you, sir, are an asshole. Besides, Half-Life is gay lol.
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tl;dr, I knooooow. Just something I whipped up today. Anything I'm missing/could improve upon?
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Originally Posted by NGS
