Are you Crazy?

[GGT]

Or does it just feel that way sometimes?

(Taking this out of Aimless's thread about treatment approaches so this can be about our expressions)

The first time I noticed something was different, I couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. I'd make my bed and arrange stuffed animals just so. My blinds had to be at the same level. My shoes had to be in pairs, lined up neatly. My sisters used to call me a Priss.

By the time I was in first grade, I'd make my bed, being sure everything was "even". The blanket had to hang the same length on each side, the dust ruffle couldn't touch the ground in just one place. I must have spent several minutes "tidying" my room.

When I went to school and learned to write, all the letters had to be perfect. Not for my teacher or for my grade, but because.....well, I wanted it to look right. I also didn't want to go through erasers, so my penmanship was slow and perfect. In math class I was concerned about getting the solution right, plus having a perfect paper free of stray marks or erasures. It wasn't enough to get it right, it had to look right. I spent a lot of time "evening things out".



By then, I was also arranging my food during meals, so it evened out on the p late and nothing touched each other (stews and mixed dishes were okay though). I used to play a mind game with swallowing my milk, and started counting things. One bite is six chews and two swallows, it all had to come out even, that kind of thing.

I couldn't fall asleep unless my bedding "felt" even. Sometimes I'd re-make my bed just so I could sleep. (Slumber parties and summer camp weren't so fun.) Pretty soon I was re-arranging furniture at 2am, trying to balance out the room. My folks used to think I was creative instead of obsessed.....

By this time I was a swimmer, and that felt great! I could count strokes and breaths, play games in my head, try to even out each side of my body's muscles, switch sides for breathing. Even follow veteran swimmers stroke for stroke, pull harder, stay even, keep up.

About that time it felt "right" to swallow food on channel 4 if we ate dinner while watching tv. Or any other even channel number. These were the kinds of things I felt compelled to do. It simply felt good. If I couldn't do that, I'd count my steps (always even). I began counting words in my head, then letters in each word, trying to make it all even out. Poetry and meter and music felt good.

I couldn't part my hair on the side or wear a watch. My whole body had to feel evenly weighted. If I wore a ring on the left hand, there had to be a ring on the right hand, same finger. One sock sagging or one riding edge of my underpants would drive me nuts. I spent a lot of time tying my shoelaces so each foot felt "even".

Anyway, you get the point. I suspected no one else was doing these things (why would they?) so it was something I kept secret. Took a lot of energy to do all this, it was exhausting really. That's when I knew it was abnormal, and probably not good to keep it secret either....but I was just a little girl....

[Catgrrl]

I used to be particular, checking to make sure I locked the front door when leaving or going to bed. Or going to the kitchen multiple times to see if the oven was off. Always checking my rear view mirror to make sure I haven't caused a wreck or someone was following me. Washing my hands constantly (though between lab work and food service that was probably inevitable). My room as a kid was mostly neat, I had my books in alphabetical order by author and always made my bed before leaving.

Now with a kid all of that is out the window, even though I prefer things neat and orderly its just not happening. Only make the bed if my parents are coming by (in case they happen to pass our room). Hand washing is still intense but again that is due to having a child. I don't double check the locks when I leave, but I do before bed still.

I'm crazy now in a different way. I'm pretty sure I have PPD but there's a part of me that is upset to admit that, and I don't want to go see a professional about it.

[rumrunner]

Ever feel like everyone is laughing at you behind your back? I do, always. I even have recurring dreams about it. Not just strangers, but loved ones, too. The fear of acting on any impusle for fear of ridicule used to be paralyzing, literally. I couldn't figure what to do, or how, I sometimes could'nt move because of it. I turned to self-deprication at times in order to 'beat everyone to the punch', so to speak. For a time that worked to alleviate the stress I put on myself. I learned to laugh at myself, and in turn accept the laughter of others as a normal part of life. Still makes me uncormfortable most of the time, though.

[Being]

You won't know you are crazy until someone tells you. It's crazy to think it's something that can be self-diagnosed. Uniqueness shouldn't be confused with crazy.

[rumrunner]

that's crazy talk.

[Crowheart]

I used to think I was crazy, but then....one day....
I clicked on Atari Main CC out of curiosity...and quickly realized I was fine.

[Draco]

Yeah I sometimes have weird cases of OCD...most annoying one is where the numbers I write on paper have to be a specific 'way'.

[termite]

I am the only sane person, everyone else is crazy...

[Aimless]

50 bucks says I develop schizophrenia or at least some sort of psychotic episode within the next 30 years.

I met a patient the other day who used to suffer from very severe OCD. We watched a film they'd recorded of her many years ago, when she'd just started on therapy and meds. The differences between now and then are incredible, to say the least

She had teenagers when she first sought help, musta been a goddamned nightmare having rebellious teenagers and no official diagnosis.

[Dreadnaught]

The line between OCD and just having routines/habits/quirks can sometimes be rough. EG if you spend lots of time with toddlers, they need things to be just so. They need to sleep with a certain collection of stuffed animals in a certain order. There is a routine for going to bed.

Hell, we all have our routines now. It's what gives us comfort.

[Knux897]

I get crazy about weight lifting... like I get these intense emotional highs over having my arms burn and feeling how hard they are... but they might be something similar to runners high so whatever

[Draco]

^^I get that when I swim (as in laps) for an extended period of time.

[Bitter Jeweler]

^^^I get that over ice cream.

[Draco]

^^ hehe that was funny

[Timbuk2]

I occasionally get an overwhelming sense that I am the only 'real' person, and everyone else is a kind of actor. I am also under constant observation by higher powers such as they may be, who manipulate the world around me.

Like my friends, before they became friends, were instructed to be at a certain place at a certain time and to speak to me in order to eventuate friendship. Same for girlfriends/partners. In fact everything/everyone around me is organised just so, to perpetuate the world of Tim.

Very much like the Truman show really.


I can't explain how or why or even since when I have had this feeling. It can be quite jarring. Disconcerting.

[oldmunchkin]

I have the "even numbers" thing too. I think we talked about that one time on MSN, GGT. I don't much mind a messy apartment, but right now mine is driving me nuts. I just piled shit wherever when I came home from the hospital. I have unpaid medical bills creating an avalanche on my table, (hell, it "broke loose" about 4:30 this morning, so it's on the table and the chair, the floor, and a close by coffee table) I have medical instructions scattered hither-thither-and yon, I still have unwrapped Christmas presents for the grandkids, and my bathroom is filthy! (If I can only manage to keep 2 rooms clean, they are the bathroom and the kitchen!) I check no less than 4 times to make sure I have my keys immediately before closing the door, and at least 2 more times in the 8 steps to the elevator. Same for cell phone.

Of course, I did kinda have a psychotic break while in Casper. They weren't really sure I was coming back from that one. I guess I really wigged out on them, according to the nurses, doctors, Mommymunchkin, and The Kid. I think it was a combination of lots of things, but the main 1 was...how the fuck am I gonna pay for this!

Catgrrl, I never had it, but from what I understand PPD is nothing to mess with. Talk to your gynocologist or your family doctor. There are mild forms of meds that may help you out.

[GGT]

50 bucks says I develop schizophrenia or at least some sort of psychotic episode within the next 30 years.

Can't tell if you're serious or not....

I occasionally get an overwhelming sense that I am the only 'real' person, and everyone else is a kind of actor. I am also under constant observation by higher powers such as they may be, who manipulate the world around me.

Like my friends, before they became friends, were instructed to be at a certain place at a certain time and to speak to me in order to eventuate friendship. Same for girlfriends/partners. In fact everything/everyone around me is organised just so, to perpetuate the world of Tim.

Very much like the Truman show really.

I can't explain how or why or even since when I have had this feeling. It can be quite jarring. Disconcerting.

We used to play that game on purpose, while smoking dope. Almost like trying to enter a dream state while awake. We called it Movie, and it could get really freaky and paranoid instead of just humorous. That's when I decided I could/would never do psychogenic recreational drugs.

One of the meds I was taking a while ago left me feeling disconnected, as if I was watching myself from a corner of my own mind, both puppet and puppeteer. (Might have been called Self as Other but can't recall right now.) Icky icky.

Movies in this genre can be very disturbing but fascinating---when dream states or hallucinations get all mixed up with reality. Shutter Island, Inception, Matrix, Minority Report, Fight Club. Black Swan was that way, too.

[Lebanese Dragon]

I would just like to bundle these persons into one and see how they'd behave. Put GGT with Rumrunner. Rumrunner scared people are going to laught at him, but if one does he now has to try and get a second person to do it, so it's even.

I talk aloud to myself as I think about things, I replay social scenarios in my head... There must be other quirks, I guess i'm critical a lot, I always think first about something consistency before allowing me to enjoy it, I can enjoy films for example, when i let myself suspend disbelief, but i'm also critical of how they do things, as long as they have internal consitency with the world they've been then i'm happy.

For me though any flaw, I feel i really try to address, I dislike them witha passion the idea that the impulses of my mind influence my behavoir, outside any personal caring. Like OCD, or the even thing, that would really really annoy myself. I would have to be able to break the habit intentionally.
If i was Bitter, I'd have to make myself check once on the door, then ignore it, and say if i get robbed i get robbed not going to check 4 times every time. Or I would just attempt to recall the situation where checked for the keys, if i get the urge, and make myself not actually check for the keys again.

Or if i were GGT I'd intentionally start doing something an odd number of times (i would try at least), and have to endure the stress it causes me, may even just see how long i can wiat before diong something one more time to make it even. Just sit there and wait, and time myself. hmmm... anyway good thread.

[GGT]

Ah, but you can intentionally use odds to make evens. Five fingers on one hand even out with the companion hand, see. It's about feeling balance and symmetry, more than anything. There is some "fun" in forcing the mind to cross hemispheres, using opposing concepts at the same time, like math with art, order with chaos, linear with spatial.

I suppose it's common in human history. Architecture, algebra, physics, feng shui, bonsai, yin yang, even ballet. All things have an opposite action or counterforce. If you've ever had a limb in a cast or dental anesthesia on one side of the mouth.....it can be disconcerting to feel lop-sided that way, and not just because you're used to functional parts.

GGT with Rummie would be interesting. Not too long ago, I was in a psychiatric group's waiting room that was being remodeled. It had a huge focal wall picture hung crookedly. After a while I went over to straighten it, but it was bolted to the wall that way (hotels do that, too)! Someone in the room chuckled.

By the time I made it into his office, I felt compelled to talk about the environment of their waiting room, and also his office. He'd changed the wall color from a beige-yellow to an orangey-yellow. He'd changed a shapely urn ceramic lamp (a patient broke it) to a cold rigid metal thing. I noticed it right away. Apparently I was the first to say so....and to tell him it was unsettling. I asked him why he'd pick a red yellow for a psychiatrist's office.....and he said, "I like yellow, it's warm and mellow. The other option was white but I was told that's too sterile."

I said sure, you spend your day here, but what about how color affects your patients' moods? Maybe that's why a patient broke your lamp? He got a kick out of me "analyzing" all this. Why his chair was leather-on-rollers positioned at task height behind the desk, but my chair was crappy fabric with plastic arms, and set at conversational height? It forces the patient to "look up" into his eyes, putting the big dark desk between us felt like another obstacle. His bookcases were filled with 'prop' books, some random objects and fake plants. The windows had metal blinds but no curtains. Nothing soft or comforting or "homey" in the whole place. And the furniture was kinda shoved on one side of the room, around his desk.

He agreed he could probably use a professional interior designer who knew how to arrange the place as a mental health space. But he was more of a pharmaceutical-psychiatrist, doing 15 minute Med Check appointments. He didn't really give a shit.

Oh yeah, and he also had only one tiny box of standard-issue hospital Kleenex, the kind that feels like raw paper and falls apart with any moisture. The only garbage can was behind his desk. The guy was very clueless about people's needs. How very odd for a psychiatrist.

[oldmunchkin]

snip

GGT with Rummie would be interesting. Not too long ago, I was in a psychiatric group's waiting room that was being remodeled. It had a huge focal wall picture hung crookedly. After a while I went over to straighten it, but it was bolted to the wall that way (hotels do that, too)! Someone in the room chuckled.

By the time I made it into his office, I felt compelled to talk about the environment of their waiting room, and also his office. He'd changed the wall color from a beige-yellow to an orangey-yellow. He'd changed a shapely urn ceramic lamp (a patient broke it) to a cold rigid metal thing. I noticed it right away. Apparently I was the first to say so....and to tell him it was unsettling. I asked him why he'd pick a red yellow for a psychiatrist's office.....and he said, "I like yellow, it's warm and mellow. The other option was white but I was told that's too sterile."

I said sure, you spend your day here, but what about how color affects your patients' moods? Maybe that's why a patient broke your lamp? He got a kick out of me "analyzing" all this. Why his chair was leather-on-rollers positioned at task height behind the desk, but my chair was crappy fabric with plastic arms, and set at conversational height? It forces the patient to "look up" into his eyes, putting the big dark desk between us felt like another obstacle. His bookcases were filled with 'prop' books, some random objects and fake plants. The windows had metal blinds but no curtains. Nothing soft or comforting or "homey" in the whole place. And the furniture was kinda shoved on one side of the room, around his desk.

He agreed he could probably use a professional interior designer who knew how to arrange the place as a mental health space. But he was more of a pharmaceutical-psychiatrist, doing 15 minute Med Check appointments. He didn't really give a shit.

Oh yeah, and he also had only one tiny box of standard-issue hospital Kleenex, the kind that feels like raw paper and falls apart with any moisture. The only garbage can was behind his desk. The guy was very clueless about people's needs. How very odd for a psychiatrist.

This man's office would drive me insane! The picture probably wouldn't bother me, since I have what I call "crooked eyes". A picture hung straight looks, to me, to be hanging lopsided! The color...OMFG...the color. The arrangement! The way he forces you to "look up to" him, like he is a God, and you are a peon. Why not a comfortable "conversation corner" where both of you are in chairs the same height? The only garbage can behind his desk, so you are either forced to hold your snotty tissue(s), lay them on his desk, ask him to throw them away, or get up and walk behind his desk. (Last option is probably forbidden because he doesn't want anyone back there! ) That's just not conducive to a good shrink session!

Why not the white, with small splashes of color around the room? That's what I did here, since they don't allow you to paint, and it must be white. It doesn't look stark or sterile, it looks homey and inviting! What's wrong with a curtain over the window? That's just about the first thing I did when I moved in, simply because the blinds, while nice, are not the look I wanted from inside.

This man sounds like he has control issues. Either that or he thinks he is better than anyone else who comes thru the door! Maybe the shrink needs a shrink! The place I will be going to for counseling has a couch, a chair, and a desk and chair the same height as the other furniture. The counselor does NOT sit behind the desk for the session, she comes out and sits on a chair in front of the desk! Really, it doesn't make any sense to me to be like this guy. It's not that hard to make a patient feel comfortable!

Well, the OCD has kicked in again. I find myself wanting to test my blood glucose every 15 or 30 minutes. I only need to test before meals and bedtime. I have to force myself NOT to check it, which is very tiring in itself! Aww hell, maybe we are all crazy, each in our own way! I dunno!

[Lebanese Dragon]

I think teh chair height dealio is a common thing to establish authority, perhaps even teh trash can's placement can be used for that purpose, as you now need to ask to use it. A way to say, I have the power in the room. Put you in the mind set of being lower.

I dont' think that's neccessary for successful therapy, but it has it's uses. I don't like that method, I prefer for a person to think of themselves as equals regardless if i'm givining advice to them or vice versa. We have different lives, different experience, adn different strenghts, so somethings i can help u with and vice versa. It does give off the you need to listen to me feeling. But again I think a person who speaks well can accomplish more without the subtle mind games.