Need some advice...

[Tylor]

So I'm hoping you guys can help me out with some relationship issues. You're all older than me so I'm hoping I can get some helpful advice from you folks. If you aren't in the mood to help a teenager out with some relationship issues then press the back button in your browser (I know how some of you are)

My girlfriend and I were best friends about 5-6 months before we started dating and have been officially together for 1 year and a month. We are both 17 - don't think age should be much of an issue, I'd prefer not to get a "more fish in the sea" kind of response. We love each other and are in a long distance relationship. We see each other every month or so for 4-7 days at a time. When we are together, we are together almost all day and all night - we sleep in the same room, stay up late, etc. I love spending time with her and she makes me so happy. I know that she feels the same. The problem is, she has always been kind of a flirt. Last summer, she worked at a pre-school and she became really friendly with a guy there. The staff made jokes about them dating. Because they flirted so much, the boss thought they were actually together. This concerned me very much, as she didn't tell me about it for a while. It hurt a lot and made me feel pretty poorly about myself. She apologized for it and promised it wouldn't happen again. A couple months ago, she started to talk on the phone with another guy for help with physics homework. I got a little worried as I recalled what happened with the guy from work. Then they started to meet at school... At first, I had no idea that she was calling this guy from school. I knew that they were getting closer so I asked her if they were starting to talk on the phone, etc. She lied to me and said no. Eventually she came out and told me that she lied and had talked to him many times on the phone - but that it was only for homework. A couple weeks later and my girlfriend gets another job at the same place this guy from school works. They get closer and I find out that they are very flirty and workout with each other. Then, I hear that her classmates in physics class start calling them a 'couple'. The teacher puts them into a group together and says "let's see how well a couple can do on this assignment". I wonder why the single girls weren't the ones to be part of this "couple" and that my girlfriend in a one year committed relationship was. This isn't something I notice in any of my classes either...so it can't be of the norm, can it? She again apologized for this and said that it was harmless. Am I over analyzing this? It makes me feel awful knowing that she flirts with other guys so much that they get called a 'couple'.

Is there anything that anyone can suggest I do? I think about this a lot and preoccupies my mind for a good chunk of the day. I am constantly worried that she might be hiding something from me. I can't imagine myself without her, she is almost as if she is family to me. I love her so much...

I have talked to her about this situation and that it really makes me feel horrible about myself and that I feel like she isn't committed to being in a relationship with me. She said that she does like the attention from him and that it's nice to have because I am not physically with her everyday/every other day(s). I told her that she needs to stop flirting so much - she told me she will. It's hard for me to trust that with past experiences with other guys she has met. I try to give her attention and make sure that she knows how much I love her. I flew across the country for just 3 days to surprise her for our 1 year anniversary.

Thank you so much for the help.

[Being]

Why don't you flirt with other girls? A committed relationship is never one-sided.

[wiggin]

Ignoring Being's rather unhelpful comments, a few thoughts:

I met my wife when we were both barely 19, so age isn't something you should be worried about. We also had a 3.5 year LDR after our first 6 months of dating, but clearly it worked out, so in theory it's possible (my sister had a four year long distance engagement so she's one up on me, though I'm currently in a long distance marriage for ~1 year, so I guess we're even).

All of that being said, there's clearly several issues here that you need to hash out. LDRs are extremely difficult to get to work and they require committed work by both sides - at the end of the day, each person is going to continually ask themselves whether the work and waiting and uncertainty is worth the continuation of the relationship. That's not a question I can answer for you, but clearly you seem interested in making it work.

First off, there's a trust issue here - if you trust her, you should believe her when she says there's nothing going on. Flirting happens to people all of the time, but as long as it doesn't go further than that you shouldn't be jealous. Hell, my wife confessed to me about a crush or two on close friends during our LDR but she didn't do anything about it, which is all that really matters. That being said, your characterization implies that maybe she hasn't been completely up front with you to start with. She might not be doing this to hide anything, though, but rather because she's afraid of your reaction/jealousy. It might be best if you specifically downplay any jealousy and emphasize that you trust her and she should feel free to discuss her feelings with you - and if she says she likes a guy, don't fly off the handle. The fact that she's telling you means she wants to try to stay with you.

You don't want to be too controlling - that's a huge turnoff. But you also don't want to pretend to be a saint and be okay with everything she does. If you're upset about something and feel she's losing interest in the relationship, then tell her how you feel. But don't couch it as 'stop doing X' but rather 'your doing X makes me feel like Y'. You leave the ball in her court - she can change her behavior, she can talk things out with you and reassure you to change how you feel, whatever. But communication is essential here, not dictating what she should do.

I can't tell much about her from your post, but I want to caution you - LDRs have a high failure rate, mostly because one or both members aren't willing to put in all of the hard work and sacrifice necessary. If you're feeling like she's not very committed to the relationship, you probably want to find out sooner rather than later. It might be nothing and she's completely on board with it, but she also might be losing interest in keeping it going. If the latter is the case, you should find out and cut things off before you invest too much.

The thing that kills most LDRs IMO is uncertainty. Presumably most people are in an LDR because despite all of the drawbacks of not having the other person around, they see a future with that person that is worth it. If that future is called into question during an LDR, the incentive to stay in the relationship drops dramatically given other, closer alternatives. Essentially, an LDR involves putting your romantic life on hold for potentially years in the hope that it will work out in the future and you'll have a committed relationship in person. Make sure that you both are willing to do this, especially given your ages. The future can seem pretty far away at 17.

[Aimless]

Wiggin is wise.

I'd like to add that it's not surprising that you're worried, but also that you may be making it more difficult for her to be upfront with you. Don't let these discussions ruin the few days you guys have together.

Otherwise, everything Wiggin said. Be honest about your feelings, and maybe you two will both come to a good decision about what to do. It might end in a breakup, and that would suck, but it wouldn't make you a douche OR a schmuck.

[xaero1]

Sorry to be the negative one here, but it sounds to me like your girlfriend is a flirt and likes the attention from other guys, despite how she says she feels about you.

Honestly if you really REALLY are committed to somebody you won't flirt with other people. Simple.

IMHO she's not the girl for you, especially with the LDR thing and the lack of trust.

[Aimless]

On the one hand, what's the point? On the other hand, love is blind...

[Draco]

Doesn't sound like she's that serious in regards to the relationship. It seems that she's the type of girl who's attractive and knows it, and thus likes the attention from other guys. If I were you, I'd detach myself emotionally, and just slowly drift away then end it with an inevitable break up. Spare yourself the 'heart ache.'
I'm sure she'll look back in the future and think what a 'great catch' you were or something, and regret it, but by then you would have found yourself someone heaps better

[Flixy]

Wiggin is wise

Sorry to be the negative one here, but it sounds to me like your girlfriend is a flirt and likes the attention from other guys, despite how she says she feels about you.

Honestly if you really REALLY are committed to somebody you won't flirt with other people. Simple.

IMHO she's not the girl for you, especially with the LDR thing and the lack of trust.

Pfft, everybody likes to flirt every now and then, and often people do it without noticing even. As long as you don't act o nit it's all good, I think.

[Lor]

Pfft, everybody likes to flirt every now and then, and often people do it without noticing even. As long as you don't act o nit it's all good, I think.

- You can look at the menu, you just cannot sample it.

- No harm in window shopping.

[Flixy]

Something like that, I suppose. My ex was very goodlooking and had all the guys' attention everywhere. And she was a bit of a flirt too, always had been. But I trusted her to do nothing with any guy. I am just not so sure what exactly happened when she saw her ex lover/fling who stayed for the night, especially because she broke up a few days later and is now dating him.

Either way, people who are a flirt will always be a flirt, but the important question is if you trust her or not.

[evenstar]

Flirting can be harmless. Some people are just natural flirts, and if done correctly it can make both the flirter and flirtee feel great about themselves without any intentions being misconstrued. That being said, in your situation, Tylor, the fact that she is allowing people to believe she is a "couple" with another guy is a big red flag to me. It seems like she is not ready or willing to be fully committed to a LDR. I know it's hard doing long-distance; I did it for 3 & 1/2 years. Both people have to be fully committed to making it work. You're going to have to figure out if she's willing to work on it, and if so, how much you're willing to put up with. It sucks to love someone and still know they are not right for you, but it may come to that and you might have to let her go. In the long run it's better than making yourself miserable all the time.

[Being]

Ignoring Being's rather unhelpful comments, a few thoughts:

Maybe you can explain how a committed relationship can be one-sided then?

[Flixy]

Can you explain how flirting with other girls is in any way helpful?

[Aimless]

Can you explain how flirting with other girls is in any way helpful?

Psychologically strengthening? Removing the fearful charge?

[Being]

Can you explain how flirting with other girls is in any way helpful?

It was a question posed to get him to think about how the relationship might be more one-sided than committed. I didn't suggest that he flirt with other girls, I asked why he did not. He is already asking himself why she is flirting with other guys so why not look at it from the opposite perspective?

[Catgrrl]

The fact that she's not honest about it says to me she feels/knows she is doing something wrong; if it was just harmless flirting she would be upfront when he asked her about it the first time. Someone who feels the need to lie the first time they are asked a simple question is up to no good(i.e. the talking to him on the phone, which wouldn't be a flag to me if she had said, sure, we have to talk for our class assignments versus lying about it at all).

Never been in a long distance relationship for more than a month so can't really help; I guess the dynamics are different when you aren't there to see what actually happens. It may be harmless and she just feels guilty for no reason.

[Aimless]

It could just mean she doesn't have the energy for all the inevitable discussions and accusatory confrontations. Just saying, for the sake of discussion

[rumrunner]

Flirting to me is not a serious issue. Lying, on the hand, is very serious. The long distance thing is hard enough with trust, without it you're better just agreeing to separate now while the relationship still has a chance to reignite in the future if that's how things work out. If she is going to be untruthful about her feelings and actions it will only lead to bitterness eventually. At the worst you end up with a very good friend, at best your relationship will be stronger when you get back together. Being honest about the nature of each of your feelings, though difficult at times, usually brings the best result.

[Catgrrl]

Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a tomboy and always have guy friends; but I've always been upfront with my relationships about my hanging around other guys. I've always said, hey, I like hanging around so and so and I'm not going to stop because we are dating. I've never lied about who I talk to because there's nothing to hide.

I realize from the perspective of a young woman maybe she doesn't want to have to explain herself; but why the lying? If he asked her about it she could just say, "yes, that's my friend ____ and we like hanging out. No biggie".

If you don't have the energy to be honest with your significant other then you don't need to be in a relationship with them. Especially if you've been together over a year!

[sheadunne]

Sounds like you're going to get your heart broken, not because of her actions (if her actions are indeed impure) but because you will not be able to stop worrying about it. There's really no way to salvage it. Even if you two were together and not in a LDR, you would still worry about it. There's nothing wrong with worrying about it, but don't expect it to ever change. Accept that you're going to worry about it and either decide you don't want to deal with that mindset and end the relationship, or accept that that's the way you are, and don't nag her about it. It's not fair to her for you to force your worries on her (especially if she isn't doing anything other than being a secretive person). This type of worry can only lead to two possible outcomes.

1) You're right. Congratulations. She's involved on an emotional level with another guy. You lose.
2) You're wrong. Congratulations. She's not involved on an emotional level with another guy, but now you've demonstrated that you don't trust her, so what's the point in continuing the relationship, assuming you haven't driven her away with accusations. You lose.

Sorry to sound so pessimistic but it's extremely difficult to change one's mindset. It takes years and is a lot of hard work. If she was living with you and demonstrating the same type of worrisome behavior, would you still worry about it? Probably. Since we can't give advice to the girl (which is where the advice needs to go), we're left with only giving you advice. Mine would be to end it. It'll hurt but with the limit information I have, I can only assume that neither result will help you have a positive and healthy mindset. Doesn't really sound like she wants to make the appropriate sacrifices to be in a steady, long-term relationship. Which means honestly and openness as Catgrrl posted about.

[And yes, I was seeing how many times I could use the word 'worry']

[Dreadnaught]

Wiggin's advice is generally sound, except I have to add that I'm generally very negative on long distance relationships. Not being in the same place (especially at the age you're at) makes it really hard to really develop a solid connection.

In the absence of being physically together and able to develop a relationship, the long distance relationship often becomes part of a sort of personal routine. It also becomes a place you can project feelings onto, instead of experience them.

Based on what you've said, I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you're going to get hurt here. She may care for you deeply, but it's clear that she's struggling to not separate her day-to-day life from this relationship you've developed. It's not your fault, I think long distance relationships almost always don't work unless you've had a lot of time to develop as a couple before the physical separation. But it's not clear that's happened here, so you're finding yourself in this bind.

[Tylor]

I want to thank everyone of you for the comments. I got a lot more than I was hoping for, I really appreciate it. I forgot to mention that before we dated when we were really close friends and for the first half of our relationship I lived only 10 minutes away from her, so we saw each other very often.

I am VERY grateful for such the well thought out replies, it really helps. I don't think we will be able to hold onto a relationship during college (she's a senior and I am a junior in HS this year) with all the partying and drinking and whatnot. Drinking has always been a little problem with us, as I am pretty much against it. She wants to explore with it a little though and I fear her flirty attitude that she has will just be brought out that much more when she is drunk. She liked starting little "physical relationships" with guy friends before we started dating. She'd sit on their laps often with her arm around him, cuddling on the couch, etc(not hooking up, just the physical flirty stuff- I have never seen this with another girl so I don't know if this is something they all do or if it is common?)

Anyway, thanks again for the help.

[Loki]

I never could understand the logic of splitting up because of college. College is not a non-stop orgy drunkfest. People who could control their alcohol intake and sex organs before college will be able to do so in college. If there's a strong connection, then college is not a good excuse to break it. If there's not, it probably should be broken with or without college. More relevant to your quandary, long distance relationships are all about trust. It doesn't look like your girlfriend is willing to act in a manner that would allow you to trust her (whether she's up to no good or not is a separate matter), which makes the basis for the relationship suspect. Everyone is of course to flirt as much as they want, even while in a relationship, but others have an equal right to dump people who flirt more than they think is tolerable (especially when they lie about it).

[Dreadnaught]

I want to thank everyone of you for the comments. I got a lot more than I was hoping for, I really appreciate it. I forgot to mention that before we dated when we were really close friends and for the first half of our relationship I lived only 10 minutes away from her, so we saw each other very often.

I am VERY grateful for such the well thought out replies, it really helps. I don't think we will be able to hold onto a relationship during college (she's a senior and I am a junior in HS this year) with all the partying and drinking and whatnot. Drinking has always been a little problem with us, as I am pretty much against it. She wants to explore with it a little though and I fear her flirty attitude that she has will just be brought out that much more when she is drunk. She liked starting little "physical relationships" with guy friends before we started dating. She'd sit on their laps often with her arm around him, cuddling on the couch, etc(not hooking up, just the physical flirty stuff- I have never seen this with another girl so I don't know if this is something they all do or if it is common?)

Anyway, thanks again for the help.

So...are you going to end things sooner?

I never could understand the logic of splitting up because of college. College is not a non-stop orgy drunkfest. People who could control their alcohol intake and sex organs before college will be able to do so in college. If there's a strong connection, then college is not a good excuse to break it. If there's not, it probably should be broken with or without college. More relevant to your quandary, long distance relationships are all about trust. It doesn't look like your girlfriend is willing to act in a manner that would allow you to trust her (whether she's up to no good or not is a separate matter), which makes the basis for the relationship suspect. Everyone is of course to flirt as much as they want, even while in a relationship, but others have an equal right to dump people who flirt more than they think is tolerable (especially when they lie about it).

Well, I think distance is one thing. But secondly, for a lot of people college is when they can do more on-the-line stuff than they are used to. Most people do push that line at least a bit. No, it's not Girls Gone Wild and shouldn't be. But there's no doubt that college should be about a little exploration in new areas.

[Loki]

I guess it ultimately boils down to whether one values a deep connection with a significant other more than a chance to explore.

[Catgrrl]

I think that is what college is all about really-exploring who you are, who you want to be. Some people do hang onto their high school sweethearts, but so many more grow and change, learning what they really want out of life. And often those two worlds stray apart. (Not trying to be a downer on this situation, everyone is different)

Even though I didn't party hard, between my major coursework and working two different jobs, it was near impossible for me to keep a relationship until I met my now husband. And even then I almost didn't go for it because of our deep friendship, but that's a different subject.

[Aimless]

I guess it ultimately boils down to whether one values a deep connection with a significant other more than a chance to explore.

Hi,

people are only partly rational and consistent. They also fear uncertainty and the cost of mking the wrong choice, even when it's irrational. This is why Dreadnaught is never happy even with a perfect pair of jeans.

[Tylor]

So...are you going to end things sooner?

To be completely honest, I have absolutely no idea. I know that I will probably end up driving myself crazy worrying about things when she goes to college if we are still in a relationship. I really don't want to break up with her though, and most likely won't. What I see happening is that I decide to try and bear with the worrying as long as I can until I just break it off. Obviously, I would save myself a lot of trouble just ending it sooner, but I won't. I'd prefer to hold onto this relationship as long as I can. I love being with her more than anyone else and on top of that, she is my best friend.

[Dreadnaught]

Save yourself the trouble and end it. Enjoy the rest of junior (senior?) year. It won't be easy at first, but it will be a lot easier than the inevitable end that you know is coming. Being proactive about this stuff will help your future relationships (and your relationships with her) immeasurably.

If you will value being friends with her later, just waiting for her to draw you into a breakup won't help you maintain a friendship.

[Hazir]

I think the distance is rather immaterial. Even the time that you are not able to see eachother is not all that important. Being able to trust eachother and, this is much more important than any of the other things you will encounter is the commitment to make the relationship work for as long as it needs to work. The final goal of a LDR should be that at one point you can put an end to it and share your relationship in a more conventional way.

I think I agree for about 99% with Wiggin on this issue.

If you want to have a relationship with this girl, understand who she is to the full, think about whether or not you want to commit yourself to that person or not. That is all that counts. I can understand you worry about a possible break up, but once you cross the threshold of planning for the break up, the actual breaking up process has already started.

Staying friends with an ex to me sounds like a recipe for disaster, or an admission that you were never that close to start with. I told those people that I had a real relationship with and who broke up with me that 'being friends' was not an option I had on offer for them.