Breaking Up is Hard, Even If You're Breaking Up With Her

[GGT]

So you steel yourself to getting on with single life, maintaining friendships, working, picking up new hobbies, and you never know what's around the corner.

Yup, pretty much. Having a relationship as a "goal" is one of those nebulous counter-productive goals. Hope your date is fun, don't think about "what if", that gets in the way!

I don't date any more. Had enough blind dates and fix-ups. I figure once I'm totally happy and content in my single life, not thinking about romance at all, some one will show up and change all the variables.

It was fun being the older woman tho, highly recommend that for everyone at least once.

[Lor]

Do you think that the older you get the more desperate you are, and it shows? I don't mean to offend or upset anyone just curious to why it could be harder the older you get.

[ar81]

I just broke up with someone and it was rough. Was seeing someone a bit casually for a month. We were sleeping together and it was great...possibly even better than our emotional connection. I just couldn't emotionally connect with this girl and couldn't keep on sleeping with/spending time with someone without that connection. I suspected she felt the same; how could she think this was working?

So tonight I have the conversation and it turns out she has a long history of mild social anxiety disorder. And she got out of a very long relationship six months ago and has felt adrift since until she met me. She takes Lexapro for the SAD...which explains why I had trouble connecting with her. But in fact she liked me a lot.

I feel freaking awful. On one hand, I'm really not a good match for someone who is so subdued. I tend to be loud and all over the place. But I feel terrible that she liked me (we did get along after all) and I just crushed it.

Anyone here have any bad breakups they want to share (either side of the table)?

A subdued person needs a dose of self confidence, not a break up.
My bet is that breakup would increase her future subduedness.

Why do you say you have a poor emotional connection?
If you grow and she grows as a human, you have a nice relationship.
If I am correct it is not that anyone feels resentment.

The only reason that could lead to breakup is resentment or incompatible life plans (for example, a man who likes to travel across the world and a woman who wants a home and to settle down in a single place).
But if it is about lack of personal growth, it can be fixed, and it requires communication.

When I met my wife she was so fearful and subdued, but now she is more confident, and I can proudly say that I helped her.
She also helped me in other aspects of relationship and personal aspects of myself.
There is personal growth and this is what matters.
It may have started like a relationship of codependence, but I turned into a path where we share our happiness.

When she is upset, a hug may calm her down.
When she was not selfconfident, I reinforced her idea that I was not going to leave.

I have a question. Was this girl abandoned at some point of her childhood?
My wife was, since she was premature, and she had to spend 2 months in an incubator alone when she was a baby.
It has been a long road to help her to recover. She is now more autonomous, independent than when we married.
And she does not fear so much nowadays. Being supportive and encouraging her to challenge herself, and also affection, caring, reassuring that she can count on me, made a difference.

In past relationships I always tried to improve things, so if we breakup she should be a better person. Indeed all my exgirls are friends of mine, no resentment, because despite of the breakup they felt I tried to make them to have personal growth and I tried to help them to achieve their own life plans. All except one, but she was a crazy woman who used not to commit.

One exgirl I really loved was unfaithful, and years later we met and ended up being friends.

[GGT]

Do you think that the older you get the more desperate you are, and it shows? I don't mean to offend or upset anyone just curious to why it could be harder the older you get.

If that was directed toward me....no, it's the other way around, actually. I'm not desperate.

I already have two children and my own home, with a very nice lifestyle. I don't need a third dependent, or an adult who acts like a child, or expects me to take care of him. Don't need a father for my kids, their dad is in town just a couple of miles away. Also don't need a man who needs to be needed, to take care of me, or treat me like a lost waif. Or a man who's looking for a woman to mother his children from a previous marriage.

I have a small group of friends or companions, to hang out with when I want, or my sister a couple of hours away. No problem to see a show or go out to dinner, either alone or with them, if that's what my mood is. I do most things alone, it's just easier that way. I do get lonely, though. Mostly late at night if I have insomnia, or get sick.

Pretty difficult given my generation and some of our ideas of roles, and whatnot.

[DecoyMilk]

Time for a medication joke.

Woman says to her doctor, "You need to get me off these meds, or cut them in half, or something."

Doc asks why, isn't she feeling better?

"Oh yes, I feel great! The problem is I still live with an abusive sonofabitch alcoholic, but now I tolerate him."

Here's a better medical joke:

Man is at the doctors complaining of chest pain.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Man: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!!



Haha, I'm funny.

I'm very much part of the 'You're dead to me' group with regards to ex girlfriends. No matter how amicable and civil the relationship/break up was, I'll delete you from my Phone/Facebook etc etc. You'll never hear from me again. People who say 'Oh, we can be friends' no no no you absolutely cannot. You're never friends, and if you are, it's just strained and turgid. I prefer to just cut off and forget about it. Funnily enough, the last couple of girlfriends have called me up, months or years later, saying they miss me and want me back. My reply was always 'Sorry, who is this?'

Actually, might have a jammy situation soon. An ex girlfriend of mine that I was with for 3 years somehow found out I was going to be a dad, and went into jealous overdrive. She sent me 2 emails, a text, a voicemail, a facebook private message and she called me, all saying congratulations and things of that sort. She was asking for my address too so she could send me and Sharon a card, or possibly just stalk us/murder us in our sleep. I said yeah I'll text it to you and never did. All well and good until yesterday, when I walked out of my house, when one of her old housemates was going into next doors house. Turns out I live next to her fucking aunt And now stalker ex is gonna know where I live.

Hold me

[ar81]

If that was directed toward me....no, it's the other way around, actually. I'm not desperate.

I already have two children and my own home, with a very nice lifestyle. I don't need a third dependent, or an adult who acts like a child, or expects me to take care of him. Don't need a father for my kids, their dad is in town just a couple of miles away. Also don't need a man who needs to be needed, to take care of me, or treat me like a lost waif. Or a man who's looking for a woman to mother his children from a previous marriage.

I have a small group of friends or companions, to hang out with when I want, or my sister a couple of hours away. No problem to see a show or go out to dinner, either alone or with them, if that's what my mood is. I do most things alone, it's just easier that way. I do get lonely, though. Mostly late at night if I have insomnia, or get sick.

Pretty difficult given my generation and some of our ideas of roles, and whatnot.

One common mistake in codependant relations... when people says "I love you" their partners understand "my partner said that will take care of my happiness". This idea forgets the idea of personal growth and sharing happiness, because the responsibility of happiness is delegated.

In the case of my wife I knew that I did not cause her experience in the incubator, but I understood this experience was too strong to be put aside. So I started to help her to overcome this, step by step. It is not that I took care of her happiness. It is that I shared my happiness with her, and she learned to be happier. Codependence is about blaming your partner for not making you happy, love is about sharing your happiness with your partner.

We all have "bags" of emotional needs that are empty. One bag could belong to dad, another to mom, another one belongs to brothers, and so on. The only bag I can fully fulfill is the partner bag. The other ones were not empty because of me, but the growth process I try to encourage is to assist her so she can fill other bags and be happier. So in the end I support her process of her, filling her own bags, but I do not fill them because I just can't. I can't fill her bag of the loneliness of incubator, but I can make her know that I will be there, and that this experience does not need to be repeated and I am not leaving anytime soon.

[GGT]

The only bag I can fully fulfill is the partner bag.

O'rly. The rest of your post sounds like you need her to need you, talk about codependency.

[Timbuk2]

Here's a better medical joke:

Man is at the doctors complaining of chest pain.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Man: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!!

Eeeeeh that cracked me up that did.

[ar81]

O'rly. The rest of your post sounds like you need her to need you, talk about codependency.

No. I like to leave the house cleaner than when I came in.
We never know how long a relation will last, but I always make sure I leave a better person than the one I found.
Indeed, she needs me less today, and she loves me more.

She likes to cook. In the past she was cooking because she did not want me to leave (because of her fears before we married).
Nowadays she cooks because she finds challenging to do some chef cooking, like a form of high culture arts.
My presence there is limited to art criticism. Nowadays she spends more time in her personal projects and she enjoys more freedom from her fears.

She does not love me because she needs me, but she needs me because she loves me.
Loving is a choice, and needing prevents people from truly loving.

Jealousy is a sign of codependence. In the past she was quite jealous.
At work in the last months I used to have a cute girl next to my desk, and she does not feel jealousy anymore. This girl who could work as a fashion model. I do not go to work to flirt or anything like that. I just go to finish my work. She knows that now.

[GGT]

No. I like to leave the house cleaner than when I came in.
We never know how long a relation will last, but I always make sure I leave a better person than the one I found.
Indeed, she needs me less today, and she loves me more.

Ego trip.

She does not love me because she needs me, but she needs me because she loves me.
Loving is a choice, and needing prevents people from truly loving.

Make up your mind.

[ar81]

Not ego, I just feel it.
If she needed me, I'd feel less freedom.
Couldn't it be that you do not think no codependence could exist?

[GGT]

Just because you can "feel it" doesn't mean it's not ego-driven.

One good concept this brings up is how people determine Happiness, Freedom, and Need in relationships. Two out of three 'aint bad?

[ar81]

Just because you can "feel it" doesn't mean it's not ego-driven.

One good concept this brings up is how people determine Happiness, Freedom, and Need in relationships. Two out of three 'aint bad?

I think the concept of need will always exist. You need your kids, I need my wife.
But how you need is what matters.
I can live without my wife, and I can be happy without her, but I have chosen to be with her.
She is not forcing me to make her happy, I do it because I like it.

She does not need me because she fears to be abandoned anymore, because she gained self confidence.

[GGT]

HOW you need is what matters? hmm Perhaps at the onset of a relationship, yes, but not necessarily over time---let's ask some couples who've been together a while when one becomes pregnant by surprise, or severely ill, even terminal. Self-confidence is no guarantee someone will stick around during times of need, ya know, but trust.

[Flixy]

Here's a better medical joke:

Man is at the doctors complaining of chest pain.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Man: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!!



Haha, I'm funny.

I'm on good terms with most of my exes, the ones I still encounter that is, and pretty decent friends with two. Then again I'm young and most breakups were from not too serious relations. My last breakup was pretty painful to me, the relation was more serious for me than for her too I think. If she had broken off contact initially that'd have been fine with me, if painful, but she was actually nice at first. Keeping contact, adding that she thought we could get back some time, that she still wanted sex with me, all made it pretty confusing to me, and then out of the blue she started to ignore me without explanation. Spoke to her one time since, and she said she wasn't ignoring me (though she has blocked me, doest text back when I texted her for her birthday and wishing her a happy new year, didn't email back when I tried to get back in touch). I'm slightly unhappy with this, she was a nice girl and it sucks we don't keep in touch. Looking back I definitely see it was a doomed relation, we really didn't fit well, but it'd be nice if we could be friends. Oh well, her loss.

[ar81]

HOW you need is what matters? hmm Perhaps at the onset of a relationship, yes, but not necessarily over time---let's ask some couples who've been together a while when one becomes pregnant by surprise, or severely ill, even terminal. Self-confidence is no guarantee someone will stick around during times of need, ya know, but trust.

Before I married I was doing some research on couples that were married for very long, including a man and a woman who were married for 85 years, and also a man who was happily married for 35 years.

They said:
-When resentment gets into the relationship, it kills love. Do not let it get in.
-Sometimes there are things that are greater than us, so we need God in the relationship.
-The trick to keep the smile is to remind ech other every day that they love each other, as if it was the first day.

I also did some research on cases of counselling by the Family Service Association of America (FSAA).

[Nessus]

Sometimes there are things that are greater than us, so we need God in the relationship.

Lebensunwertes Leben right there

[GGT]

Back to Dread. He posted (somewhere, but I don't remember where) about the chances he might find a woman to carry 20 of his children, and continue his gene pool, but he wondered about hers--and how the odds would play out.

IVF and surrogate wombs and nannies comes to mind. Then he could have his "calculated" children, even using pre-natal genome testing to see if they're "flawed" in some way, and selectively terminate as needed. Surrogates could be interviewed and agree to certain diet/exercise/environmental regimes. They'd disappear after birth. Nannies could be an extension of carefully constructed behavioral molding and modeling, just like tutors or teachers.

Then he'd be "Free" to date anyone and everyone. Partnership wouldn't be fraught with fear of "defective" babies or neurotic mothers, or wives incompatible over time. "Romantic Love" would be in one compartment, and "Family Love" in another; they could intermingle but never interfere with the other. No need for promises, sexual trysts or betrayal of trust; no need for marriage, and no need for divorce. Changing partners every decade or so would be as easy as changing careers or moving house. Expected, normal, understood.

Clean 'n Easy. For him, at least.

[ar81]

Lebensunwertes Leben right there

You can't blame this person... She is 100 years old.
She says things as she understands it.
She had more than 10 sons and 2 of them died.

[Catgrrl]

Just to play a little Devil's Advocate:

What's wrong with being needed? What's wrong with being wanted?
I realize it's not for everyone, but sometimes it's nice to know that you make someone's life a little brighter, and vice versa.

I've been accused of having too positive an outlook on life, but still, isn't there some value in that?

[ar81]

The problem of being too positive is that you may get ionized...

[Hazir]

Just to play a little Devil's Advocate:

What's wrong with being needed? What's wrong with being wanted?
I realize it's not for everyone, but sometimes it's nice to know that you make someone's life a little brighter, and vice versa.

I've been accused of having too positive an outlook on life, but still, isn't there some value in that?

Hmmm.. well.. yes, it's great, at times. And it makes me feel good too when I worked my wonders again with somebody. But, you know, sometimes, every now and then, you don't want to be the grown up who takes care of everything, you want to be the child that's taken care of.

[Timbuk2]

I already have two children and my own home, with a very nice lifestyle. I don't need a third dependent, or an adult who acts like a child, or expects me to take care of him. Don't need a father for my kids, their dad is in town just a couple of miles away. Also don't need a man who needs to be needed, to take care of me, or treat me like a lost waif. Or a man who's looking for a woman to mother his children from a previous marriage.

But ... you've kinda narrowed men down here to a particularly small and needy type. A man who seems to be dependent on you or can't look after himself really.

Rather than just a regular fella who might like you for you?

Just to play a little Devil's Advocate:

What's wrong with being needed? What's wrong with being wanted?

Exactly.

[Flixy]

Just to play a little Devil's Advocate:

What's wrong with being needed? What's wrong with being wanted?
I realize it's not for everyone, but sometimes it's nice to know that you make someone's life a little brighter, and vice versa.

Doesn't everyone want that, at least sometimes?

I've been accused of having too positive an outlook on life, but still, isn't there some value in that?

Being positive is good, as long as it doesn't make you too trustworthy or naive

[Catgrrl]

Well, I'd like to think, that there are times when you are needed, and other times when you need someone to help you. A give and take sort of thing. It equals out in the end. We all have our strengths, and weaknesses, and if you have someone in your life that can be the counterpart to those traits it can work well. Ying and yang. And it can constantly change and evolve overtime, as the longer you are with someone the more you know about those traits, and can help where needed. And vice versa.

I guess its more like symbiosis.

Maybe I just can't accept the coldness and sterile aspects of life. I could survive that way, but would only survive, not really live. And I'm not just talking about romance, I mean companionship in general. Even in friendships there is the give and take, and it makes life go a little better. At least for me.

Blah. I don't think I can put the idea into words; not really my specialty.


And though I try to be positive, I am a realist. I can spot a liar; I'm not naive in the personal part of life. I can tell when a person isn't to be trusted, and has a low moral compass. I'm not going to waste my time on those who prey on others, and use them up, and cast them aside. I rarely let people that close to my heart; when I do, it's after I've been around them for a long time, and have a pretty good judge of their intentions.

[Flixy]

I agree. if there is only taking or only giving it won't last, for both friendship and romance. There's only so much you can take from a friend until he just becomes an annoyance who never does anything for you.

[GGT]

But ... you've kinda narrowed men down here to a particularly small and needy type. A man who seems to be dependent on you or can't look after himself really.

Rather than just a regular fella who might like you for you?

My divorce has left me jaded, obviously. Overcoming trust issues isn't so easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

Some break-ups can cause a lot of damage, even tho breaking up can be the right thing to do.

[Catgrrl]

True, Flixy. I've "broken up" with certain friends who did nothing but drain me from all of their drama. Not worth it.

I guess I really haven't been emotionally hurt since high school, so I can't pretend to know what true heartbreak is. So, I can sympathize that it could completely ruin one's outlook.

[ar81]

My divorce has left me jaded, obviously. Overcoming trust issues isn't so easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

Some break-ups can cause a lot of damage, even tho breaking up can be the right thing to do.

Divorce comes when resentment is too intense, and by that time divorce is the best solution so you do not kill each other.
I know it, my parents got divorced, and my rebel side told me I should be different. It was not ego, it was my desire to be a rebel that made me to look for a better way to get along.
This is why I was a rebel against mental schemes and learned patterns, and I had to create a new form of relationship.
Not only I needed to prove myself that they were wrong, but also I intended to teach them that there is a better way.
I think they learned. My dad has a far better relationship with his current wife, and my mom had a boyfriend and she got a better relationship until he died of heart attack due to a previous condition.

Your case, where separation was the best solution, is not the case of Dread and his girl.
Resentment kills love, so you must not let it in.
This was an important lesson from a 100 year old married woman.
You could see her and her husband, apologizing toward each other after a fight. Things were said that were not meant to be said.
She and her husband got married very young, and they got to overcome the immaturity, but they both had good feelings.
You could see a strong will in them to make it work.