I didn't say they did, nor does a sense of obligation have anything to do with what I said. The gap lies in an implicit expectation of reciprocation from the one who asked the OP question, as in a 2 way conversation.Originally Posted by Loki
I didn't say they did, nor does a sense of obligation have anything to do with what I said. The gap lies in an implicit expectation of reciprocation from the one who asked the OP question, as in a 2 way conversation.
The Rules
Copper- behave toward others to elicit treatment you would like (the manipulative rule)
Gold- treat others how you would like them to treat you (the self regard rule)
Platinum - treat others the way they would like to be treated (the PC rule)
He asked for advice. He got advice. What more were you expecting?
Hope is the denial of reality
I was surprised there was no further comment, no questions, no thoughts shared. Usually this forum is about conversation, no? I have come to expect under ordinary circumstances for a thread starter to participate in the thread and it's odd that he did not. I'm not all mad about it - don't feel I should be telling him to fuck off or anything, lol.
The Rules
Copper- behave toward others to elicit treatment you would like (the manipulative rule)
Gold- treat others how you would like them to treat you (the self regard rule)
Platinum - treat others the way they would like to be treated (the PC rule)
Sorry, wuz just trying to move on. But the appreciation is genuine.
You were trying to "move on" from your own divorce, but won't share any personal details?
I was married today (10/15/1988).....but it's a strange 'anniversary' because it ended in divorce. It's not like anyone else celebrates this day, but it was a special day for me. After Divorce it's a peculiar day. My ex husband probably doesn't remember the date, it was just another date he could forget, like birthdays and such. But I remember. It's a bittersweet memory.
Response to your original question, Dread -- there is no real "recovery" from divorce. There's just a bunch of concepts that try to make you feel less bad about marriage when it ends.
When you invest time/effort/money in something, and it turns out to be a failure, it apparently is more difficult to back out than it is to decide to pour in more time/effort/money to try and make it succeed, even when going against increasingly waning odds. There was a name for such an effect, I think, named after some guy or another, but it doesn't really matter - the essence is, many relationships follow this rule, even when emotionally they should not.
Take of this what you will.
How to recover?
Well, I have discovered lately that I am a misanthrope, at least partially. So, not only "your mileage may vary", but my suggestions might be utterly useless to you. Still - my best advice is: find someone else. Even when your current relationship is "kind of" working, but you feel it won't be long. Get a "plan B" as soon as possible. Treat relationships as the transient things they are. Sorry, putting in four years of your life does not mean getting four years of happiness out of the whole deal - you WILL be disappointed. Treat every fragment of time as a discovery; an opportunity to learn things you should do, and the things you should not. Always remember - every bit of joy might be shattered, and every bit of sadness might lead you to your true happiness, at chance's choice. The best you can do, is keep trying. If lucky, you will be happy. If not, you will find someone less fortunate than yourself, and try to survive by relating to that. That is what I've done for the last few years. I've found a few ways to rises above this sad average.
If you need to know how, I'm always there. PM, or ask publicly, your choice.
Carthāgō dēlenda est
Thank you
The past few weeks have been substantially better. This was impacting everything from work to my eating/drinking habits. Recognizing depression was as important as recognizing the problems in the relationship.
Hope you will be able to cope with the depression.
Congratulations America
You'll get through this, one step at a timeThank you
The past few weeks have been substantially better. This was impacting everything from work to my eating/drinking habits. Recognizing depression was as important as recognizing the problems in the relationship.
Do you plan to stay in the same state? Doing any travelling?
"One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."
And that depression may have started well before the marriage.Thank you
The past few weeks have been substantially better. This was impacting everything from work to my eating/drinking habits. Recognizing depression was as important as recognizing the problems in the relationship.It can all seem like a big jumble, for a long time, and take a long time to sort itself out. I disagree with those who say "just find someone else", and I'd caution against jumping into the dating scene, too. Especially if you have young children.
On my behalf, that was just a suggestion - we are all grown-ups, and fully aware that emotions and feelings are an area where "one size fits all" solutions don't exist. It's just what I'd try. My perspective is the best I can offer, and I realize my approach might be absolutely unusable for others.
Carthāgō dēlenda est
No worries Baltic
Marriage requires two people.....but divorce only needs one. That seems like a crazy thing, so why bother getting married in the first place? Well, I was among that naive and hopeful group that believed love was the beginning, and marriage was its symbolic contract. I refused to get a pre-nup -- that would be like admitting the marriage would eventually end -- but I really did believe we'd spend our lives together, and fight to keep our marriage alive until the day we died. Wow, was I wrong.
I'd like to say Divorce has made me stronger, or that my kids have fared better, but I can't, because it wouldn't be true. If anything, divorce has made me, and my kids, emotional skeptics. That makes it even more heart wrenching to watch them try to establish meaningful relationships on their own, and fail.
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