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Thread: Divorce

  1. #1

    Default Divorce

    What is it good for?

    Even when you were the one who ended it/called it, it's easy to feel sad and defeatist. How do you recover?

  2. #2
    Best friend (I've shared pictures before) ended her marriage after a few crappy years.

    Friends, or being social in general. Rediscovering that your life isn't tied to someone else.
    "In a field where an overlooked bug could cost millions, you want people who will speak their minds, even if they’re sometimes obnoxious about it."

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadnaught View Post
    What is it good for?

    Even when you were the one who ended it/called it, it's easy to feel sad and defeatist. How do you recover?
    Time, acceptance (of what happened and how you feel about it), forgiveness (if someone did something wrong), letting go of the bad feelings, appreciating the good things and then of course moving on with life and getting to know new people and do new things.

    My mum and dad got divorced shortly after we moved here and, in the 24 years since, my mum has had it pretty rough in many ways. But, even so, it was better than them staying together. What really changed things for both of them was when they finally managed to let go of the extreme anger they felt towards one another. In my dad's case, getting back to doing work he loved and finding a more pleasant workplace helped, along with having two new kids. In my mum's case, I think she was just very good at coming to terms with life and finding the good things in it, the things that make her happy. So she makes sure to stay in touch with people she likes, busies herself with doing things she enjoys and doesn't dwell on the bad things that she can't really change. I think it helps a lot that she's had so much support from my sis and both my sis and I have a closer relationship with our mum than with our dad, so that helps too, I guess. And, finally, she's figured out who she is.

    People get divorced for different reasons. My impression (based on observations of some friends and acquaintances--few real divorces though, because Swedes are bad at getting married) is that it can be difficult to get over being cheated on or being dumped, for obvious reasons. It's marginally less difficult to get over guilt. Getting over a genuinely unhappy marriage--years of fighting, contempt, etc--takes time and a lot of work to remember how to be happy again.

    For some people, having a kid together makes it easier to move on, in the sense that it helps them focus on what's best for the child and avoid all the unnecessary fighting, sabotage etc. For some people, having a child makes things worse, because the other person just won't get out of your life and keeps making things difficult for you or because it means you can't just drop everything and move somewhere far away or go on a journey of self-discovery or something.

    Finally, there are many professionals with a great deal of experience with helping people come to terms with and moving on from divorce, if you ever feel like talking things through with a neutral third party.


    For the most part I think time is your best friend, as it is in any other personal or life crisis. With time, some of the distracting emotions will dissipate enough for you to make more sense of things and accept them. Some aspects of the defeatism can be tackled right from the start though. For example, the idea that you'll never find real love again, or that you don't know how to meet new people.
    "One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."

  4. #4
    I asked elder people who were succesfully married about how to build a great marriage. They said:

    1.Resentment kills love. We shouldn't let it get in between.
    2.There are things in life that are bigger than us, so we need God in our relationship (this was said by a 100 year old woman who did not want to preach, just shared what she felt). So it means that it must mean something to be discovered.
    3.Remind each other that you love each other every day, as if it was the first day.

    On a side note, I also have found that life plans make a difference. If one likes to travel and the other wants to live in a house, or one wants to be in the forest with animals while the other one wants to live in the comfort of a city, there is a conflict of life plans that lead to friendly divorce.

    Also, if the relationship was based on codependence, "I love you" means "make me happy" and this burden usually end up in breakups and divorce.

    Divorce is not the end of the world. Plenty of people have divorced and thrived.

    Now some 4 rules to make your life and the world better:

    1.Make other people to feel RESPECTED.
    2.Promote MENTAL HEALTH
    3.Help each other to grow and ACHIEVE DREAMS
    4.Be surrounded ONLY by people who follow the prev 3 rules.

    These 4 rules came from a Costa Rican attendant of the UN/Costa Rica Workshop on Human Space Technology 2016, as rules to make colonies on Mars sustainable in terms of human interaction. These rules can be used with friends, coworkers, family, marriage, etc...

    These 4 rules are ACTIVE tasks that will use all your TIME and ENERGY so there is no room for bad behavior from anyone. You can easily spot when someone does something that breaks any of these rules. As you enforce these 4 rules, your life improves.

    My two cents, hope it helps.
    Freedom - When people learn to embrace criticism about politicians, since politicians are just employees like you and me.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadnaught View Post
    What is it good for?

    Even when you were the one who ended it/called it, it's easy to feel sad and defeatist. How do you recover?
    Divorce is hard, sad, complicated. 'Recovery' can take decades. I got a text from my sister that my old lover, who was also her friend, remembered our mother's death, 15 years ago. My ex-husband, the father of our children, didn't do as much. It's strange, even weird.

    I'm not sure I've recovered from my divorce, all I know is that it's felt like complete ruin, and a re-building for the last ten years.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadnaught View Post
    What is it good for?

    Even when you were the one who ended it/called it, it's easy to feel sad and defeatist. How do you recover?
    Divorce is hard, sad, complicated. 'Recovery' can take decades. I got a text from my sister that my old lover, who was also her friend, remembered our mother's death, 15 years ago. My ex-husband, the father of our children, didn't do as much. It's strange, even weird.

    I'm not sure I've recovered from my divorce, all I know is that it's felt like complete ruin, and a re-building for the last ten years, maybe more.

  7. #7
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    Divorce reminds you, in the short or long run, that your inner worth doesn't depend on the love of another person.
    Congratulations America

  8. #8
    One thing to keep in mind about divorce, happy marriages don't end that way. Depending on how ugly the former spouses let it get, the outcome of divorce ought to be, on balance, an improvement for them over life in the marriage. Same goes for the kids, if any. The parents can make it very hard on their kids if they involve them in the conflict. But a set of parents together, but very unhappy with each other, is harder on kids than a separate set of parents that are happier and work cooperatively at parenting.
    The Rules
    Copper- behave toward others to elicit treatment you would like (the manipulative rule)
    Gold- treat others how you would like them to treat you (the self regard rule)
    Platinum - treat others the way they would like to be treated (the PC rule)

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Hazir View Post
    Divorce reminds you, in the short or long run, that your inner worth doesn't depend on the love of another person.
    Agreed for t he most part but hopefully people's self worth is attached to some objective standard that they hold and not hippy BS about how everyone has value. (If everyone has value it is meaningless to say someone has value).

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Lewkowski View Post
    Agreed for t he most part but hopefully people's self worth is attached to some objective standard that they hold and not hippy BS about how everyone has value. (If everyone has value it is meaningless to say someone has value).
    Do you never tire of being wrong about everything?
    "One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Aimless View Post
    Do you never tire of being wrong about everything?
    Strike a nerve?

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Lewkowski View Post
    Agreed for t he most part but hopefully people's self worth is attached to some objective standard that they hold and not hippy BS about how everyone has value. (If everyone has value it is meaningless to say someone has value).
    Not a fan of Jesus, the hippy liberal who said everyone has value, including the social undesirables?
    Hope is the denial of reality

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Loki View Post
    Not a fan of Jesus, the hippy liberal who said everyone has value, including the social undesirables?
    We are talking about people's self worth. If your self worth doesn't come from some objective criteria what is it actually? 'I live therefore I have self-worth' isn't that a perfectly circular argument?

  14. #14
    The minute everyone has something is the minute it loses distinction. Without distinction there is no good/bad view of it.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Lewkowski View Post
    Strike a nerve?
    I'm just baffled you'd choose this of all threads to be blatantly wrong in. Can't you start a thread in discuss with a copy of that post so that we can better explain the situation to you?
    "One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."

  16. #16
    A couple I've known for decades has just decided to divorce after 30 years of marriage. My kids told me about it, they heard it from their dad. What they don't know is that our early years of marriage were made fun and hopeful by hanging out with this couple -- they really liked each other after several years of marriage! Surely we could do the same, we hoped! We had kids before they did, and that gave them a new kind of hope in their marriage, when they decided to have their own children. They looked at us and felt better about taking that next step. Friends motivate that way.

    One thing that's peculiar to divorce --- it takes relationships to a new level, a place that can't be achieved by staying together until death do us part, as promised by marriage vows. It's a whole new ballgame, especially when kids are involved. In the US it's called broken families, with a negative connotation, but in other countries it's just another family challenge.

    I'm fairly certain that my divorce wouldn't have been so devastating if it had happened in Canada or Europe during my kids' formative years.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewkowski View Post
    The minute everyone has something is the minute it loses distinction. Without distinction there is no good/bad view of it.
    You turned my statement into something it isn't. It's basically no more or less than the conclusion that, regardless of how important you THINK other people are in your life, in the end you remember that live actually does go on even if they are no longer there. Values don't come into it.
    Congratulations America

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by GGT View Post
    A couple I've known for decades has just decided to divorce after 30 years of marriage. My kids told me about it, they heard it from their dad. What they don't know is that our early years of marriage were made fun and hopeful by hanging out with this couple -- they really liked each other after several years of marriage! Surely we could do the same, we hoped! We had kids before they did, and that gave them a new kind of hope in their marriage, when they decided to have their own children. They looked at us and felt better about taking that next step. Friends motivate that way.

    One thing that's peculiar to divorce --- it takes relationships to a new level, a place that can't be achieved by staying together until death do us part, as promised by marriage vows. It's a whole new ballgame, especially when kids are involved. In the US it's called broken families, with a negative connotation, but in other countries it's just another family challenge.

    I'm fairly certain that my divorce wouldn't have been so devastating if it had happened in Canada or Europe during my kids' formative years.
    I think you are mistaken.
    Congratulations America

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Hazir View Post
    I think you are mistaken.
    Why? I think it's clear the main differences surround child care: in Canada or Europe divorce is considered a national effort, where kids have equal opportunities; but in the US it's seen as something families have to maneuver on their own....which often pits parents against each other. No wonder some couples wait until their child has flown the nest before they file for divorce.

    My own parents "waited" until I was 17 yrs old to initiate divorce proceedings. I was the youngest, and they probably thought that was a good thing. What they didn't know was that my sisters and I had known for years that their marriage was on the rocks, and we secretly wished for their divorce. At least I did. After that, the only real dilemma was who would pay for what.

  20. #20
    Crap, now the Branjolina divorce is going to be part of the "divorce culture"....even tho they didn't represent the "marriage culture".

  21. #21
    Senior Member Flixy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GGT View Post
    Why? I think it's clear the main differences surround child care: in Canada or Europe divorce is considered a national effort, where kids have equal opportunities; but in the US it's seen as something families have to maneuver on their own....which often pits parents against each other. No wonder some couples wait until their child has flown the nest before they file for divorce.
    Not really sure what you're trying to say or why you think divorce is that different here...
    Keep on keepin' the beat alive!

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by GGT View Post
    Why? I think it's clear the main differences surround child care: in Canada or Europe divorce is considered a national effort, where kids have equal opportunities; but in the US it's seen as something families have to maneuver on their own....which often pits parents against each other. No wonder some couples wait until their child has flown the nest before they file for divorce.
    Speaking from personal experience and based on the experiences of many people I've met, it's not exactly a walk in the park here either. I can imagine it being easier here in many ways due to there being more/better social, psychological and financial support, but even with such support divorce can and frequently does fuck up your finances very badly in addition to severely straining your ability to take care of both yourself and your children. We try to make sure the children are all right but there's only so much we can do. So I wouldn't glorify Europe if I were you, no matter how crappy things may be in the US.
    "One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."

  23. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by GGT View Post
    No wonder some couples wait until their child has flown the nest before they file for divorce.
    This is generally because the children are the great equalizer, the big project and common goal that consumes everything. Its not until after high school graduation do the parents realize that they have nothing to common, no flame or generally can't stand each other.

    It really fucks up the kids too, even though they're away in college. I've got a good friend who is a college counselor and thats one of the biggest things they deal with with freshman and sophomores.
    "In a field where an overlooked bug could cost millions, you want people who will speak their minds, even if they’re sometimes obnoxious about it."

  24. #24

  25. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadnaught View Post
    Danke everyone.
    Fuck you. You haven't contributed much to the thread you started.

  26. #26
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadnaught View Post
    Danke everyone.
    Why did you start this thread?
    The Rules
    Copper- behave toward others to elicit treatment you would like (the manipulative rule)
    Gold- treat others how you would like them to treat you (the self regard rule)
    Platinum - treat others the way they would like to be treated (the PC rule)

  27. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by GGT View Post
    Fuck you. You haven't contributed much to the thread you started.
    What the hell is your major malfunction? He asked for help/advice, he has no obligation to meet any of your demands for contribution to the discussion beyond that and certainly has not done anything to merit a "fuck you". Who talks like that? Fuck's sake. Come on.
    "One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."

  28. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by Aimless View Post
    What the hell is your major malfunction? He asked for help/advice, he has no obligation to meet any of your demands for contribution to the discussion beyond that and certainly has not done anything to merit a "fuck you". Who talks like that? Fuck's sake. Come on.
    I thought that was pretty harsh too. I think GG was wondering the same thing that I was - what is it that Dread's looking for? This is an intensely personal and emotional topic for many and sharing is sort of hanging something out there a bit. Dread's lack of interaction after the OP can be interpreted negatively or, at best, neutrally, and looks like GG took it the former.
    The Rules
    Copper- behave toward others to elicit treatment you would like (the manipulative rule)
    Gold- treat others how you would like them to treat you (the self regard rule)
    Platinum - treat others the way they would like to be treated (the PC rule)

  29. #29
    Yes.
    "One day, we shall die. All the other days, we shall live."

  30. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by EyeKhan View Post
    I thought that was pretty harsh too. I think GG was wondering the same thing that I was - what is it that Dread's looking for? This is an intensely personal and emotional topic for many and sharing is sort of hanging something out there a bit. Dread's lack of interaction after the OP can be interpreted negatively or, at best, neutrally, and looks like GG took it the former.
    No one has an obligation to provide more personal information than they want to. What is this? The National Enquirer?
    Hope is the denial of reality

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