When is a relationship exclusive?

[Being]

I'd like to think the kind of girl I go for isn't the type to 'exploit weakness'.

It gets to a point where you know if it's exclusive.

If one has any doubts then discuss it, sure, but I'm very much a one guy one girl person, and I tend to attract/be attracted to girls of the same attitude, so the notion of exclusivity simply doesn't arise.

Wait, wait, wait...didn't you say you are on your fifth or so relation? That sounds more like you are very much a one guy five girl person. I'd venture to say you are only exclusive when it suits you.

[Nessus]

It absolutely boggles my mind that exclusivity to many here is only established upon mutual declaration. I could see arguments for it not applying until X stage of a relationship, but one has free license to fuck/date whoever one wants until your SO specifically *tells* you it's not okay? Please.

You only do a disservice to yourself if you assume otherwise, so what's the point?

[Timbuk2]

Wait, wait, wait...didn't you say you are on your fifth or so relation? That sounds more like you are very much a one guy five girl person. I'd venture to say you are only exclusive when it suits you.

Having five or so long-term relationships in series != breaking exclusivity

Being exclusive means not seeing anyone else at the same time.

[earthJoker]

"Serial polygamy" (to have several exclusive mid to long term relationships after each other) is the norm of modern society.

[Timbuk2]

Yep, I'd have thought so.

[Being]

Having five or so long-term relationships in series != breaking exclusivity

Being exclusive means not seeing anyone else at the same time.

How did you ever convince #5 that you wouldn't be seeing #1,2,3, or 4 anymore? Or #6,7, or 8 in the future?

[Timbuk2]

There was no convincing to be done.

A relationship being over = a relationship being over.

You move on. Eventually you meet someone else and you start up another relationship.

As mentioned above, this is fairly normal.

[Being]

... this is fairly normal.

For people who don't know what they want I guess.

[earthJoker]

This seems to be a strange discussion, I think Being is one of those options:
-A virgin, with problems in non-verbal communication.
-A promiscuous sexual liberal.
-Playing devils advocate.

[Nessus]

What the fuck is wrong with you, Being

[Timbuk2]

For people who don't know what they want I guess.

I don't understand.

Are you unaware of the wide plethora of reasons for relationships breaking down? What one wants often has little do with it, unfortunately.

This seems to be a strange discussion, I think Being is one of those options:
-A virgin, with problems in non-verbal communication.
-A promiscuous sexual liberal.
-Playing devils advocate.

So far as I recall, he is married (with kids?)

[earthJoker]

That would explain the bitterness in his comments.

[Steely Glint]

"Forgive him, he is a barbarian who thinks the customs of his tribe are the laws of the universe."

[Draco]

It absolutely boggles my mind that exclusivity to many here is only established upon mutual declaration. I could see arguments for it not applying until X stage of a relationship, but one has free license to fuck/date whoever one wants until your SO specifically *tells* you it's not okay? Please.

So how else will two people know that their relationship is 'exclusive'?

I don't see any other way to it, other than the two people agreeing/declaring that they're in a relationship, and that it's only them. Assuming you've come to know the person, get to know them as a friend firstly, and if you two harbour the same feelings, then the next natural step would be to 'declare' a relationship.

[Dreadnaught]

(c) That is backward. The coversation would be about establishing exclusivity. I can't imagine you going on a date and explaining to the lady that you want to poke her once in a while but that you are also going to continue poking other ladies as well.

As was mentioned, I think that's the main issue. You usually don't wake up your partner after some sex to say, "BTW, you do know I do that with other people, right?"

This seems to be a strange discussion, I think Being is one of those options:
-A virgin, with problems in non-verbal communication.
-A promiscuous sexual liberal.
-Playing devils advocate.

So how else will two people know that their relationship is 'exclusive'?

I don't see any other way to it, other than the two people agreeing/declaring that they're in a relationship, and that it's only them. Assuming you've come to know the person, get to know them as a friend firstly, and if you two harbour the same feelings, then the next natural step would be to 'declare' a relationship.

I suppose that's the most clean-cut way. But if you generally don't have those conversations, what is the marking post if being exclusive? Because if you're dating and sleeping with someone for maybe a month, they may reasonably conclude you're in an exclusive relationship.

***

I should point out that this isn't based on anything personal I'm doing/considering.

[Catgrrl]

Hmm, usually when you let them meet your friends and family, and introduce them as your significant other, then it could be considered official? I don't really know, my hubby was the only one that we really discussed the relationship thing,and that was because of the circumstances that led up to our hooking up.

I'm with Timbuk on the points that usually only date one at a time anyway. Though that was mostly due to the fact that I didn't have time/energy to date mutliple people.

And, BTW, five long term relationships seems pretty normal to me. I'm not sure if Being just misunderstands what long-term means. It can be different for everyone.

[Ominous Gamer]

I feel that any relationship is entered into with the assumption that it is exclusive.

I'm in this boat. This is how I've always treated actual relationships. If this isn't what one of us was expecting it usually comes out before the first move.

[GGT]

Is this a repeat topic, or Deja vu?

Dates aren't relationships. Frequent dating can become a relationship. I think it's the sex part confusing people here.

I'm old fashioned, and couldn't be intimate without some sort of relationship first. This whole 'hooking up' thing that's common now sounds like random first dates that include sex. Sometimes it's one date, it's a one night stand. Could be second date....and keep going. I have no idea how that works with time in between, with other people too, or how you'd figure it out.

[']['ear]

I'm mostly with Wiggin, too. There's no need to act like an ally cat. One can date people serially, or be clear about it if that's not the plan.

[Flixy]

If you start seeing someone, it's exclusive.

But I am a fairly old-fashioned sort.

Same here. Problem is, when exactly are you 'seeing someone'? After making out with someone drunk in a bar? Probably not. After a couple of dates and knowing you care about eachother a lot? Probably. It can be a bit vague - I recently didn't really know where I stood in a relation and ended up having a discussion, which turned out that we both didn't want a real relation, so that was settled. Before that, I was afraid she might expect exclusivity from me. Maybe a better reasoning is: 'if you would hurt the other by not being exclusive, you should probably talk about it or end it if you don't agree with it'.

There was no convincing to be done.

A relationship being over = a relationship being over.

You move on. Eventually you meet someone else and you start up another relationship.

As mentioned above, this is fairly normal.

And you just have to trust eachother. I am friends with some of my exes, and one of my exes was good friends with her ex. Was I happy that she continues to hang out with him? Not really, but you just have to trust each other.

As was mentioned, I think that's the main issue. You usually don't wake up your partner after some sex to say, "BTW, you do know I do that with other people, right?"

It would be good form to at least tell before the sex

[Being]

I don't understand.

Are you unaware of the wide plethora of reasons for relationships breaking down? What one wants often has little do with it, unfortunately.

Other than death, I believe your plethora can be resolved to a single reason, dissatisfaction.

... You usually don't wake up your partner after some sex to say, "BTW, you do know I do that with other people, right?"

You're right, of course...most people would wake their partner up before sex.

[Timbuk2]

Other than death, I believe your plethora can be resolved to a single reason, dissatisfaction.

Just off the top of my head:

- financial turmoil
- physical or mental trauma
- birth of a child
- relocation
- death of a relative
- job change

... are just a few instances which can lead to a relationship breakdown.

Dissatisfaction on the part of one or t'other is another one, yes.

[Knux897]

Question for the crowds:

When you start dating someone, when do you consider a relationship exclusive? First kiss? First sex? When you've seen them more than twice a week? Do you outright say it's exclusive or just let the feeling be enough?

Make it Facebook official

[Dreadnaught]

Fair enough. I've actually never done that before (the Facebook thing). But I have met someone who I'm exclusive with —*at least in my eyes —*and have a feeling at this age we're sorta expected to if things get serious.

[littlelolligagged]

Make it facebook official, or just be exclusive?

[Dreadnaught]

Make if Facebook official. Exclusivity isn't the problem.

Just sorta weird about the whole digital proclamation thing.

[littlelolligagged]

Yeah, it is.

Although I guess it's easier than calling every individual person who might or might not give a damn to tell them.

[Loki]

Just post it here. We're the blog of record.

[littlelolligagged]

Heh,

let's see...


Lolli is in a relationship, and it's fucked up*


I hope you appreciated my status update.


* this may or may not be an accurate comment, but if I were a betting Jew I'd lean toward inaccurate.

[wiggin]

I actually 'broke up' with my girlfriend on Facebook about 4 months before we got engaged. We did it on purpose - we hate the huge flood of wall posts/etc. whenever anyone changes their relationship status (even if you restrict what goes on news feeds) and decided that it would be best to just keep relationship status off the gossip mill. People who mattered figured it out eventually anyways. I think being 'Facebook official' is a big crock that's more suitable to high school than adults.