The Joke Thread
Let's see if we can do this without being racist, bigoted, or so offensive it gets closed.
I love jokes, but can't remember them, let alone re-tell them well. Also appreciate juvenile humor and knock-knock jokes. The kind on popsicle sticks can be good for a giggle. Here's the latest one my son told me:
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Dunno...how many?
Spoiler:
Fella walks into the doctors with a bad back.
Doctor starts to examine him.
Says to the fella; "Sir, you're really going to have to stop masturbating"
"Why?" says the fella.
"Because I'm trying to examine you", says the doctor.
Originally Posted by Steely Glint
Two guys were at a bar. The first guy says "Man, I really screwed up with my wife on our way back from our vacation. We were at the train station and there was this BEAUTIFUL blonde behind the counter. What I MEANT to say was 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh'. What I ACTUALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed." The second guy says "Yeah I know what you mean. Yesterday my wife and I were having breakfast, and what I MEANT to say was 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties'. What I ACTUALLY said was 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!'."
I laughed, then I remembered I go through this a dozen times a day
Cos yer a lady.I love jokes, but can't remember them, let alone re-tell them well.
Q: Why were the bakers hands brown?
A: Cos he kneaded a poo
"Son," he said without preamble, "never trust a man who doesn't drink, because he's probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They're the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They're usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they're a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can't trust a man who's afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he's heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.
Two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap" to which the other replies "Yeah it does doesn't it."
I read these on the toilet wall of a French restaurant in Saigon last night...
Wife: You always go out on the balcony when I am singing, you want all the neighbours to know you hate my singing.
Husband: No my darling, I go on the balcony so the neighbours know that I am not murdering you.
_____________________
At the beach.
Little Boy: Mummy why can't I go in the water?
Mother: Because it is far too dangerous and you will drown.
Little Boy: But mummy you let father swim all the way out.
Mother: Yes dear but your father is insured.
Such is Life...
Communism jokes:
One Marxist says to another: "Have you heard about Karl Marx's grave?"
A Second Marxist says: "No, comrade, I have not"
The First replies: "It's a communist plot"
One Marxist asks of another, "What kind of tea is ideologically correct?"
The second Marxist replies, "Herbal tea is the drink of the revolution"
The First Marxist wonders, "Why is this the case?"
And the second replied, "Because proper tea is theft"
One Marxist asks, "What should a communist use to clean his face having eaten?"
Another replies, "Soviets"
Stirlitz jokes:
Stirlitz went into Mueller`s office and found that no one was around. He walked up to the safe and pulled on the handle, only to find that it wouldn't open. After making sure that he was alone, he took out his gun and blasted away; still, the safe wouldn't open. Next, he put a hand grenade under the safe and removed the pin. After the smoke had cleared, Stirlitz once again tried to open the safe. Again, however, he was unsuccessful. "Hmmm..." the experienced intelligence officer at last concluded, "must be locked."
Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a refrigerator," concluded Stirlitz.
Stirlitz approaches Berlin. The city is veiled in smoke from the fires. "Forgot to switch off the iron again," thought Stirlitz with slight irritation.
“Where did you learn to shoot so well?” Schellenberg asked Stirlitz. “In Moscow Military Academy”, Stirlitz rapped out and began to think if he had blurted out too much.
The light that once I thought compassion still casting shadows in your action
The words you shared were cold transactions that bring me to curse what you've done
When you're up there absorbed in greatness with such success you've grown complacent
I hope you scorch your many faces when you fly too close to the sun
A man walks through a grave yard and spots a tramp squatting down next to a grave stone.
"Morning" he says
The tramp replies, "No I'm just taking a shit"
All those moments lost in time... like tears in the rain
An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?”
The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”
The first student says, “So I took the bike”.
The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.
In nautical terms, what is a "spur" lash?
It's when you drop a heavy anchor into the water...
All those moments lost in time... like tears in the rain
Too bad I got lots of hilarious jokes. Ethnic humor is the best...
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A German tourist dives in and pulls the dog out, resuscitates it, and saves its life.
The woman says "Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" said the German, "I'm ****ing soaked!"
All those moments lost in time... like tears in the rain
ε < 0
When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?
Once upon a time there was the Mayor of Dipshitlington.
The mayor of Dipshitlington had a problem, his fine town had been beset with far too many pigeons.
The pigeons were so numerous that their enormous quantities of shit were effecting the quality of the water supply and causing many health problems.
The mayor of Dipshitlington was one day approached by a peculiar looking man that claimed he could rid he city of Dipshitlington of this plague of pigeons.
He did say unto the mayor "I can rid the town of Dipshitlington of this scourge of pigeons by one of two possible ways."
"OK" said the mayor "tell me my options."
"I will either rid the town of pigeons for $1 million and you may ask me 1 question or I will rid the town of pigeons for free and you cannot ask any questions."
"OK" said the mayor "get rid of the pigeons."
So the strange man climbs to the top of the tallest building in Dipshitlington and releases a beautiful blue pigeon.
On seeing the beautiful blue pigeon, all other pigeons take to the air, the blue pigeon flies off into the sunset and all other pigeons fly off after it, never to be seen again.
Amazed and wondering how this strange thing could possibly be done, the may of Dipshitlington confronts the strange man and says "Here, please accept the $1 million and let me ask my one question."
"Ok" says the strange man, accepting the money he says "Ask your question brother."
And the mayor asks
"Do you have any Blue politicians?"
Such is Life...
Stolen from Reddit
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator."Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning! Today you voted for us! The election is over."
What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.
Such is Life...
Do you think that young Catholic boys would willingly volunteer to be "God's Sheep" if they knew they'd eventually be rammed by "God's Shepherds"?
All those moments lost in time... like tears in the rain
The world shortest Fairy Tale.
Once upon a time there was a man that asked his girlfriend to marry him.
She said "NO" and he lived happily ever after.
The End.
Such is Life...
Not really a joke, but i thought you guys would enjoy it if you havent heard it. True story.
Seems that, cricket being the horrific borefest that it is, there has arisen a tradition between the bowlers and the second batsman of ribbing one another to try to distract their opponent. The following exchange happened between some English batsman the the Aussie legend Shane Warne, who at the time was getting a little old and perchance slightly porky.
Eng Bats: Hey Warne. Why are you so fat?
Warne: Because every time i fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit.
Genius.
"Son," he said without preamble, "never trust a man who doesn't drink, because he's probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They're the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They're usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they're a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can't trust a man who's afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he's heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.
That's true, that ribbing really happened
Two junkies rushed to hospital snorted curry powder mistaking it for cocaine. One is now in a korma and the other has a dodgy tikka.
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